Hello everybody,
so I got to a point today, where I really don't know anymore what to do, so I tought I could get some input
from you people
I know that most of us struggle with the same problem over time, some more some less.
Steven Pressfield in his book "The War of Art" calls it resistance, you can call it negative self talk I call it "the f*** devil" that little voice in our head that keeps talking to us as if we are a piece of shit not being able to accomplish anything.
I know that feeling very well for now nearly ten years, it was always a problem, but I feel right know I am on a point where I want to give up and say "OK you defeated me", but I know that would be wrong.
Music was always an important part of my life. I started with learning to play the drums in 2010 (later in life
) just for fun
and the first time I sat behind the Kit of my teacher, I knew I will never do anything else in my life than music. I didn't know what that life in music would look like but I knew that this is it.
So end of 2011 I went for two years to a school for audio engineering.
There I discoverd the love of writing music, not just the technical recording stuff. So I wanted the film music stuff (what else
) and even
when that was not what the school really taught, they were very kind and let me do kind of my thing and I had great teachers everything seemed to be perfect.
In 2013 I got my degree and had already kind of a vague idea how to go about it and a few days before the school officially ended my mom died and from that day on my whole life was thrown upside down and it never really got back into "normal state" because one shitty thing after the other came and so I never had time and energy to really focus on my music so I kind of put it on hold.
I always did a bit here and there, aquired a ton of sample libraries etc
took courses, read a lot of books. My technical skill of composition got better, but my actual skill was kind of left behind because I had no real goal, no "deadline" like in school etc.
So this was the time when the negative self talk started. I'm not good enough, it is not interesting enough etc. I think you know that game.
In those 10+ years I still learned a lot but not to a point were I think I should be musically speaking. It just gets harder and harder to sit down and write music because the resistance is getting stronger and stronger. Pressfield in his book says the stronger the resistance is that you feel, the closer you are towards the right thing. But to be honest right know I don't feel like this is true at all.
In my head I know exactly what I should do, but I just can't make myself do it, instead procrastination. Everything seems to be
better than sitting down and writing music. Even writing that post and asking for help is hard to do
So sorry for the longwinding text but I thought a bit of context would be good and I know that this is a topic thats kind of useless to talk about, because there is not really an answer, but I try it anyway
Do you have any suggestions? How do you deal with the problem? Has anyone really solved the problem? Was giving up on music ever a thing for you?
And for me it is not even about doing it professionally but even as a hobby, but even for a hobby I would like to be able to finish music.
Thanks for any help or suggestions
I hope my english is not too bad
Greeting Denise
Normally I would start off by saying something like “It’s the weirdest thing, I just stumbled upon this and had to reach out-blah, blah, blah-etc.” but (in a very small way) I understand the strangeness of the world, and I know it either brought me here for you to hear me, someone else to hear me, or for ME to hear myself… it’s a whole thing.
anyway, I can relate to most of what you said in a very “holy
$#!T, this sounds exactly like me” kind of way.
unfortunately I couldn’t tell you why, or what it is that drives me to… NOT drive me/do nothing. Just a lifetime’s worth of sadness, disappointments, whatever. And BTW, I’m so sorry for your loss! I honestly don’t know how it feels, or how badly you must hurt inside, but I’ve told my mother countless times that she better let me go first, because I know I won’t be able to handle it (I’m still grieving my cat I lost in 2013, and I promise you that’s not not me trying to be funny… I’m blubbering like a. idiot right now!)
anyway, I have the professional-crastination like nobodies business, and the same love of music where I thought I’d be doing something in that area, but nothing ever happened where I saw an opening towards something else. I tried forming a band for so long, it’s actually embarrassing to admit just how long… but about 15 years!
Even though I couldn’t tell you the first thing about chords, the technical aspects of guitar, or anything. I bought a guitar off a friend at 16, and messed around for a long time. I couldn’t ever play the songs I like, because they were too complicated, and it basically forced me to “write” my own.
But again, I don’t even know if you could call what I’m doing writing/composing/etc. because it’s really just power chords, and bunching my stubby little fingers up in ways they’ll allow without going too far!
All I can really say about giving up, is that I wouldn’t recommend it, as long as you still have some drive left in you.
But this is coming from someone who basically has, and there’s literally nothing here!
I get so exhausted and annoyed when people use fortune cookie slogans at you, yet they’ve never been in your shoes! Sometimes you just can’t “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” because you’re too broken, or lost, and had E-FOCKING-NUFF!!!
I basically fell into the worst depression because of certain health issues, everything that comes with, and i’ve been in the process of getting off opiate medication (15 years of taking them too), 2.5 years so far…
Seriously, don’t ever get sick, they take funds for these so-called benefits very easily, but when you actually need them… it’s been damn near 4 years living off practically nothing, I’m just very lucky to have someone who CLEARLY loves me, because who would stay for that long dealing with this?
But as I was saying, I haven’t touched my guitar in those 2.5 years, because it was very much linked to the times where I felt good enough to play, but I’ve been feeling a strong urge lately to pick it up again, so who knows? I would love to eventually play a few shows, maybe make an EP/Album,
but 1. I just turned 47, and age creeped up on me like a Mofo!
I swear I was 32 last week… that thing that old people used to say to us about time getting faster, I always thought it was some kind of weird joke to mess with us, but it literally just keeps getting faster!
Point being, I might not get to it, I don’t really wanna be on a stage at 60, and that’s not even to do with the perception of looking too old, I’ve felt like a broken down 80 year old since 20 something anyway!
and 2. what little i’ve messed around with logic pro, I would be a mess with recording… yet I keep time just fine playing with other people (BTW, I wasn’t even aware of this site, but like I was saying about the world being strange at the start, something said I should reach out, so I joined real quick, but when it asked what DAW do i use, I was like “WTF is a DAW?!” luckily I kinda did know!)
I really didn’t want this to be a “ME” rant, sorry if it turned out that way, I just wanted to get across that I get you not knowing what to do, I honestly don’t like this world very much, and have been begging to go for about 30 years, but I guess there’s a reason why I can’t (don’t ever try to check out early, you’ll just wake up as if it was a dream in a different world… just a theory of mine) and sorry it’s a novel, I can be quite the blabber mouth!