# Got a good joke?



## Guy Bacos (Dec 23, 2010)

Holiday season is always a good time to share some jokes. Here a couple of my favorite. 

Have any good one? Let's see who has the funniest!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 

*********************************************************************


A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!" 
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

*********************************************************************

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."


*********************************************************************


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


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## dpasdernick (Dec 23, 2010)

How do you know the drum stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.


How do you get a drummer of of your porch?
Pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
You only have to punch information into a drum machine once.

How do drummers brain cells die?
Alone.


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## Frederick Russ (Dec 23, 2010)

_What's the difference between a violin and a viola?_

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger. 


_What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?_

The seamstress tucks up the frills.


_How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?_

None. They can't get up that high! 


_Why are harps like elderly parents?_

Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. 


_Why was the piano invented?_

So the musician would have a place to put his beer.


_What's the range of a tuba?_

Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! 


_What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?_

The sack.


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## autopilot (Dec 23, 2010)

My new favourite joke.

WHat do you call a clairvoyant midget who escapes from jail?

A small medium at large. 

I thank you.


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## choc0thrax (Dec 23, 2010)

I don't know many jokes that aren't either racist or about the holocaust but:

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.

What's the hardest thing about learning to rollerblade? Telling your parents you're gay.


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## RiffWraith (Dec 23, 2010)

Frederick Russ @ Thu Dec 23 said:


> _What's the difference between a violin and a viola?_
> 
> There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.



_What does a viola solo and premature ejaculation have in common?_

You know it's coming, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

_What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"_ 

Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.


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## RiffWraith (Dec 23, 2010)

*Why men shouldn't write advice columns*

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When i got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When i confronted him, he broke down and admitted the had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grouding wire. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John


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## sbkp (Dec 24, 2010)

In a first grade class, the Ms. Hammond wanted to teach about proverbs and stories with morals. She began by asking the class to think of something that had happend to then in the last few days that they'd be willing to share with the class. After a few hands were up, she began.

As she scanned the room, she thought, "Ah, no, not you Johnny. I think I can imagine that one turns out." Then she spoke aloud, "Let's see. Kathryn? Yes, Kathryn, please tell us your story."

Kathryn began sheepishly but gradually felt more comfortable as it went on. Her mother has asked her to buy milk from the corner store and while walking back she tripped and the bottles of milk went flying and broke on the sidewalk. She was terribly upset ran crying all the way back home. There her mother comforted her. Even in the telling of the story, Kathryn and been brought to tears.

"And what is the proverb you'd like to share?" asked Ms Hammond.

"Uh..." stuttered Kathryn, "Don't... uh... cry over spilt milk?"

"Excellent, my dear. Well done! Now who else would like to try? Oh Lisa, yes please."

"Um, it's sort of the same story. My dad sent me to the store to buy eggs, and I took my bike. So when I was riding back, I had the eggs in the basket on the front of my bike. And wouldn't you know it. You know that crack in the sidewalk at 34th and 7th?" The class murmured its understsanding. "Well they're fixing it. And to fix it, they made it worse. How is that helpful, anyway? Anyhow, I crashed my bike and all the eggs went flying and broke. And so I, uh, guess that you shouldn't put alò  ÷   ÀÏâ  ÷   ÀÐ1  ÷   ÀÐ´  ÷   À×T  ÷   À×¾  ÷   ÀÙÙ  ÷   ÀÙú  ÷   ÀÞ'  ÷   Àße  ÷   ÀàÌ  ÷   Àá]  ÷   Àäb  ÷   Àä²  ÷   Àç  ÷   Àç”  ÷   Àì$  ÷   Àì\  ÷   À÷?  ÷   À÷à  ÷   Àø¾  ÷   Àùj  ÷   Àùé  ÷   Àú"  ÷   Á ™  ÷   Á¯  ÷   Á’  ÷   Áê  ÷   Á	’  ÷   Á	á  ÷   Á
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## Studio E (Dec 24, 2010)

A man sets out for a visit with an old buddy who is now a farmer. He arrives at the farm and is greeted by his friend. They are still standing outside discussing old times when the first man notices a three legged pig walking about. He asks the farmer; 

"What's the story behind the three legged pig?"

The farmer replies:

"Well, about three years ago, we had a horrible house fire in the middle of the night. THe smoke detectors didn't work and we would have slept right through it if it weren't for the pig coming to wake us all up. He saved our lives."

After a pause, the man asks him again;

"So what about the three legs?"

The farmer replies:

"Well, two years ago my son fell into the abandoned well. I was out plowing in the field when that pig came running and squealing at me. He showed me to the well and I was able to drop a rope and pull my son out of the well. It saved his life."

After another pause, the man asks, so why only three legs?"

The farmer replies:

"One day I was under the tractor working on the drive-shaft. The jack stand slipped and the tractor fell on me. I was pinned and sure to die but then along came that pig and he lifted the tractor up and saved my life."

The man, frustrated with no answer asks really sternly; 

"Yes, that's amazing but WHAT happened to his other leg?!"

The farmer replies:

"Buddy, when you have a pig THAT good you don't eat him all at once."


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## synergy543 (Dec 24, 2010)

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just
produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe
that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs:
That's about average down home, Folks. Like I
said, 'My boy's a typical Texas baby boy'."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says: Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth. Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. We were gonna call you. So, how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers: - Seventeen pounds. The bartender is puzzled,
and concerned: What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says: Had him circumcised.


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## synergy543 (Dec 24, 2010)

The last one was a bit crude (mods delete if needed) so I thought this might be a bit more in tune with the season, religion, and the subject of copying....


* The Abbot *

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, 
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where 
the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against
the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies... "The word was
'celebrate'."


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## bigdog (Dec 24, 2010)

Knock knock

Who's there?

Philip Glass...Philip Glass...Philip Glass...


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## NYC Composer (Dec 25, 2010)

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

a drummer.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

Homeless.

What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit?

Defendant.


Guy is talking to a friend, says:"The other night, I'm talking to this girl and I meant to say "You have a great place" and instead I said 'You have a great face". Kind of a Freudian slip, you know?" 

Other guy says "yeah, I know just what you mean-the other day I meant to say to my wife "Honey, what's for dinner?" and instead I said "you f*cking bitch, you ruined my life."


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## Nick Batzdorf (Dec 25, 2010)

The club owner of a sleazy nightclub wants to sing a song with the band.

"Eh, youse guys know 'Strangas in da Night?"

Yes.

"You know it in 5/4?"

Okay.

"1-2-3-4-5: Strangas in da fokin' night..."


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## Nick Batzdorf (Dec 25, 2010)

One girl to the other: "How was your date with the French horn player?

"Not bad, except every time he kissed me he kept trying to put his fist in my butt."


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## nikolas (Dec 25, 2010)

Ok,

Let's see if this will work in English.

How do you call Bob the builder, in halloween?
- Bob Squarepants

how do you call Bob the builder, after loosing his job?
- Bob

How do you call Bob the builder, after a joint?
- Bob the fumer

How do you cann Bob the builder, after a lot of joints?
- Bob Marley!

********************************

An American is talking with a Greek.

The American says:

In USA we have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...

The Greek replies:

In Greece we have George Papandreou, No Wonder, No Hope and No Cash...

**********************

Once upon a time there were a Brit, an Ausie, A greek and 3,500 Chinesse

**********************

3 friends get back at the first guys appartment, after a loooong night in the bars. In the middle of the appartment there's a big (36") gong.

So the other two ask him:" What on earth is that thing doing here?
- Well.. it tells the time.
- Are you serious? Is this even possible?
- Yeah sure it is.
And the guy hits the going extremely loudly.

After a second a voice from the lower floor goes
: "Are you fucking insane? It's 3 o'clock in the morning!"

***********************

And a last one...

Shakiro Suzuki, (the son of the emperor of SONY :D), is attending on its first day an american college.

So the teacher decides to check how good they are in American history. "I'll give you a few quotes and you should guess who said it!

Let's start: 'Give me freedom or death!'"

No one raises their hands, except for the new guy, Suzuki! "It was Patric Henry in 1775 in Philadelphia". The teacher is quite happy and goes on to ask another question, which Suzuki happily replies.

Then the teacher gets annoyed and tells to the rest (the American) students : "Shame on you! Suzuki is Japanesse and he knows more about American history than you do! Shame on you!".

So a tiny voice breaks the silence from the back of the room: "All japs can go fuck themselves!". The teacher stunned asks "WHO SAID THAT???!?!". And Suzuki replies "General Macarthur in 1942 and Li Yakoka in 1982 in General Motorls".

A second voice is heard... "Give us a blowjob, will ya?". Suzuki replies "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski in 1997". "Go fuck yourself Suzuki", and calmly, again Suzuki said "Balentino Rosi, in North Africa 2002.".

Hell breaks loose, there's yelling everywhere, chairs are being thrown at the windows. The principal walks in and goes "WOW! I've not seen a shithole like this in my life". And Suzuki says "George Papandreou in 2008, on his first day as prime minister of Greece".


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## gsilbers (Dec 25, 2010)

the Cannibal Family is having dinner and the little cannibal boy tells his father....

" dad: i dont like granma"

father responds:

"then push it aside and only eat the rice".






two guys landed on a deserted island a few months ago... 

both very horny they start talking about having sex with each other.. 

but no, they both have a hard time cause they are straight...

finally they give up and after arguing who bends over 1st they flip a coin and they start...

after the 1st man finishes the other starts but while in the act he starts kissing the other guy on his back and the other guys nervously turns around and screams;

hey hey!,... no gay stuff okey !!!


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## chimuelo (Dec 28, 2010)

What's so great about having sex with 29 year olds..............??

..
..
.

.
.
.
.
.
There's 20 of them................


Ankyu.


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## snowleopard (Dec 28, 2010)

After three weeks in the hot sweltering desert Osama Bin Laden finally ordered his men to change underwear. 

"Akbar you change with Salem. Hassan you change with Omar. Ahmed you change with Tareef..."


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## Lunatique (Jan 2, 2011)

A Christian man was hiking, and to his complete and utter shock, saw a big black bear nearby. The bear noticed him and came barreling down on him. The man knew he couldn't outrun the bear and he also couldn't climb a tree to save his life ever since he was a kid. So, in desperation, he knelt down and began praying, hoping God would save him from his pending doom. He prayed, "Lord, please, I don't want to die. I have so much I still want to do in this lifetime--I'm not ready yet. Please shine your light on the bear and turn him into your faithful servant so he wouldn't kill me."

Amazingly, a strong beam of light came down from heavy and landed on the bear. The bear stopped just before it was about to claw the man to death, dropped its paws, then proceeded to kneel. It then put its paws in front of its chest and started to say...

"Lord, I want to give my thanks to you, for this wonderful meal I'm about to have. Amen."

------------------------------------------------------

A small plane while flying over some islands was having engine trouble and the pilot and co-pilot decided to do an emergency landing. Soon after the landing, they found themselves surrounded by a group of cannibal natives. The two men begged for their lives, declaring that they are willing to do anything to not have to die. 

The elder chief narrowed his eyes and asked, "Anything?" 

"YES! Anything! Just tell us what to do!"

The elder chief, with a mischievous smile, said, "Fine. If you want to live, you'll do as you are told, and if you cannot abide by the instructions, you will be eaten."

The two men nodded eagerly, with grateful tears in their eyes.

"First, you are to go gather as much fruit as you can carry, and then you'll get further instructions."

The two men quickly got to their feet and ran out looking for fruits. The pilot came back first with lots of grapes and berries cradled in his arms.

The chief nodded and said, "Good, now, we'll proceed to shove these fruits up your anus, and if you laugh, we will cook you and eat you."

The pilot though, this is easy! Getting grapes and berries shoved up one's ass is at most uncomfortable and embarrassing, but not ticklish or funny at all. I can do this! I will survive!"

The elder chief gestured, and then two buff warriors bent the pilot over a log and proceeds to shove grapes and berries up his anus. The pilot endured the embarrassment, and to his relief, he felt uncomfortable and thoroughly humiliated, but found no ounce of humor in any of it. 

And then he burst out laughing. He laughed so hard until he cried tears. The natives then cooked him and ate him, as they said they would. 

So why did the pilot burst out laughing?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He saw the co-pilot walking back, his arms loaded with pineapples, and grinning like he won the lottery.


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