# Letting go of my old dreams



## merlinhimself (Mar 29, 2022)

I've been in a weird funk the past few weeks. I tend to be incredibly hard on myself and my career, so much so that I mostly dont enjoy it at all.
Ive recently been trying to let go of all the pressure to be some big budget feature film composer. Not that I dont want to, but I feel like ill look back in 30 years and maybe Ill be there, but itll be filled with an abundance of stress and missing out on life as I see it.
Anyone else have any similar feelings or thoughts?


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## JJP (Mar 29, 2022)

I think far too many of us get wound up in what our careers (or lives) should be and often miss what they can be. Skill is only one part of the equation. There are more people who want to do this than there are jobs. That means luck is a factor as well.

I started out as a jazz musician, then moved to composing and finally wound up as an orchestrator, music copyist, contractor. I’ve been far more successful in this part of the business and I honestly don’t regret the change. I could focus on being a failed jazz musician or failed composer, but why? I’ve worked on all kinds interesting projects and made a decent living doing it.

I also know some people who went down their dream road and then quickly realized they hated it. Some reached a certain level of success and found they didn’t enjoy it anymore, or the business changed around them and it wasn’t what they wanted, or they changed and no longer felt the benefits were worth the work. The ones who simply moved on and did something else seem to be the happiest and most successful.

”Passion” can lead us to some dangerous places of overwork, stress, poor health, and chronic exploitation. I’m not afraid to tell people that if I get to the point where I’m bitter and no longer having fun in my career, I‘m out. I can do other things and make money doing them, so why stick around in something unfulfilling? That mindset also makes it easier for me to say, ”If it doesn’t pay properly or give me something else I want of equal value, it’s a bad deal and I’m not taking it.” This is work after all. I choose to make my charitable donations where they will help people without exploiting me.


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## CT (Mar 29, 2022)

merlinhimself said:


> Anyone else have any similar feelings or thoughts?


Yes. It has weighed on me especially heavily over the last year or so. 

I have tried not to be tied to any specific visions of what "success" would entail, but I can't seem to make _any_ form of it persist. Lots of tenuous opportunities that inevitably disintegrate for one reason or another. Not much consistent traction/momentum. It gets hard to keep at it, both practically (I am not independently wealthy) and psychologically. But, I have no other real abilities/qualifications, so I haven't left myself much choice. 

Maybe I will be able to relocate to Los Angeles in the near future and that will change things. Maybe it won't, or maybe I won't be able to move in the first place given the absurd cost of living there. 

I don't mind a long road, and I went into all this knowing and accepting that, but... it does seem like it's been quite a stretch without much to show for it still. I genuinely hope that you're able to find your own way.


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## Arbee (Mar 29, 2022)

JJP said:


> I choose to make my charitable donations where they will help people without exploiting me.


The above is a quote worth framing. I left the music business to explore a career in technology more than 20 years ago, vowing I'd be back to "finish some unfinished business" later in life. Well here I am.

And to be honest, after a few years of paddling around in it again, it feels a little like the initial euphoric excitement of getting back together with an old flame, followed by the ultimate disillusionment. That includes the seemingly ever growing level of exploitation and devaluing of music generally. I often reflect that my years in technology (software development and exec management) were probably overall much happier, more satisfying and much more consistently profitable, and perhaps even suited my psyche more than music. 

Don't be afraid to explore those nagging doubts and gut feelings, or as I prefer - "Don't die wondering". Different phases of life can suit different directions, within and/or outside of, a creative career.

But yet, despite the above, here I am - still seduced by the lure of maybe creating something special one day with a lot of hard work, learning and exploration .


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## chillbot (Mar 29, 2022)

merlinhimself said:


> I've been in a weird funk the past few weeks. I tend to be incredibly hard on myself and my career, so much so that I mostly dont enjoy it at all.
> Ive recently been trying to let go of all the pressure to be some big budget feature film composer. Not that I dont want to, but I feel like ill look back in 30 years and maybe Ill be there, but itll be filled with an abundance of stress and missing out on life as I see it.
> Anyone else have any similar feelings or thoughts?



I don't know if this is helpful but I feel like reigning in expectations and not comparing to others makes me feel better.

Your post resonates with me only because it's been my dream for as long as I can remember to "be some big budget feature film composer". But I don't have the 30 years to get there at this point. I've also been trying to "let go of the pressure" and just be happy (and grateful) to be doing what I'm doing.

For example:

Could I do what John Williams does? Hell no. There are probably some people that could but it's not me.

Could I do what John Powell does? Hell no. There are probably some people that could but it's not me.

Could I do what Thomas Newman does? Hell no. Well ok I could maybe do a TN knockoff but it would just be a knockoff nothing original.

So I'm not doing any of that, no point being depressed about it. But there is a certain style/brand/whatever of film score that I do think I could do, and do well and be original. Maybe I'm chasing unicorns but instead of thinking about what I can't do I hold out hope for finding a non-JW/starwars film that fits me. I'm not ever going to do a HZ Dune, that's been done now.

Is focusing on "an abundance of stress and missing out on life" a rationalization? I wouldn't say it's a healthy thought by any means, but I'd take it (personally) if it meant scoring the big films.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Mar 30, 2022)

merlinhimself said:


> Ive recently been trying to let go of all the pressure to be some big budget feature film composer. Not that I dont want to, but I feel like ill look back in 30 years and maybe Ill be there, but itll be filled with an abundance of stress and missing out on life as I see it.
> Anyone else have any similar feelings or thoughts?


In reality, if Spielberg called you up to today and asked you to immediately score his next blockbuster, could you actually do it? I mean have all of the knowledge to create the orchestral score, take it to the soundstage and all of the other technicalities?

I'm pretty sure the majority of us have your same dream, but it's not a realistic expectation unless you're in a situation where is could potentially happen (like working as an assistant for a big name composer in LA, etc). You just need to adjust what your definition of success is.

What ever you do, keep dreaming, and keep on looking for different musical paths. Many years ago, I discovered I love composing for live theatre, and I've had great success in that industry. Between that, writing for production libraries and the occasional film, I truly feel I have "made it". It sounds goofy, but I get a total rush when I hear a tid-bit of one of my tracks on a TV show; not because of the money (which is peanuts), but because of a sense of achievement. 

If I ever get invited to score that big film one day, then that is icing on the cake. But until then, I'll keep the fire burning and see what happens. You just never know who is going to hear your music and contact you down the road!


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## gamma-ut (Mar 30, 2022)

Whatever the role, it's important to keep in mind the distinction between wanting to _be_ something and wanting to _do_ something. Doing is where you can have influence over your life and, more importantly, be in the position of actually achieving that goal happily - as in you can do the composition you want to do (assuming you have time in between the stuff that gets in the way, like earning a living to be able to do it) that maybe you associate with big-name Hollywood.

The thing about wanting to be something is that even if it happens, it often turns out not to be how you thought it would turn out, and not in a good way. Let's face it, James Horner was expected to turn out scores at the drop of a hat, which inevitably involved a lot of borrowing. I'm not sure given his skills it was how he really saw the art of composition.

Edit: corrected odd bit of gibberish in first sentence.


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## Saxer (Mar 30, 2022)

I never really had the dream of where to be or what to reach. I just did what I like to do... started with a 4 track tape deck as a teen and moved on until some day people wanted me to do something for them and payed me. Same with live music... all of that isn't Blockbuster or Carnegie Hall at all but I can do what I like to do. I don't think there is a point where you really "made it" except for a few world class people... and they probably think the same way on their level.

I think it's important to be happy where you are and not where you want to be some day.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Mar 30, 2022)

Saxer said:


> I don't think there is a point where you really "made it"


I think this is 100% true. Just because you got that epic gig, doesn't mean you will be content. I think we all have this fantasy of what it would be like, but probably nothing close. And along with it comes a whole new set of problems.


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## Henning (Mar 30, 2022)

A long time ago a friend went to a fortune teller and she said to him: "Go and find the things that are for you." He still says it's the best advice he has ever gotten and he had an over 40 year long rock career and still going. When I was young I wanted to be in a band and be famous and all that comes with it. Today I sit in my little studio and make music for games and have been doing it for over twenty years now. And I'm very happy with my life and all the opportunities it brought with it. It's a good thing to have dreams but as life happens around you these dreams and your life change. So really, just find the things that are for you


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## dohm (Mar 30, 2022)

For what it is worth, I get similar feelings all of the time. However, I get them about my chosen career outside of composing too. Even though I have had moderate success as a tech entrepreneur and DSP engineer, it is easy for me to fall into a negative mindset of "what if" and "what could have been,"etc. These feelings are usually accompanied by comparing myself to someone else or some idea of someone else. It is not healthy and I have worked to develop tools like mindfulness to adjust my mental course when this happens. I think I heard this from someone else, but in my opinion "comparison is the thief of joy." 

Some great advice from others on this thread. I also appreciate that.


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## merlinhimself (Mar 30, 2022)

Thank you everyone for chiming in. I read everyone's post and you all made me feel 10x better so I truly appreciate it! I've always been hard on myself and developed a somewhat unrealistic expectation of "making it" and I have been starting to realize that lately and have been trying to combat it. The comparing myself is definitely a huge part of the issue, even knowing Im talented at writing (which that feeling definitely comes and goes) if I see someone else doing something cool I think "what am I not doing right?"


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## Jeremy Spencer (Mar 30, 2022)

merlinhimself said:


> if I see someone else doing something cool I think "what am I not doing right?"


You're not alone, believe me. It's Human nature, and we all think like that. My personal opinion is that it also comes down to sheer luck. Being in the right place at the right time. You never know what opportunities are around the corner, but if you give up, you will never find out. For years I looked back on my life with lots regret and "what if" scenarios. Now I try to live in the present, accept the past, and move forward with optimism.


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## Jimbo 88 (Mar 30, 2022)

I started out not knowing what I wanted...doing jingles and industrials. Then started having success composing for TV docs and really wanted to make the jump to LA and do feature films. The pressure and stress I was under was very high just doing that. I learned pretty quickly that you need to take of yourself physically. I started playing softball/baseball only to keep me able to compose music. I literally worked 7 days a week for many years. In the end, I decided not to uproot my wife and kids and head to LA.

I'm in my 60's now and feel I would have done well to move to LA in my 40's or earlier. I truly think I would have made it as a film composer. Maybe not at the level of John Williams or Hans, but I would have had my fair share. At least I think that 

Part of me regrets not going, but for the most part my wife and kids benefited BIG time. As my kids got older and i would take time to do things with them i found my composing work still got done, but I did loose touch with the "biz" a little. The Social Media Era and move to Music Libraries caught me asleep at the business side of things. This can be a "young" person's game. I'm not to particulary fond of the newer directions of music and i think that sorta happens to us all. 

I do know the stress of large budgets and having a multitude of producers scrutinizing your work under tight deadlines. I'm pretty good with that and you have to have very thick skin, but it will take its toll. I don't care who you are.

Anyway...the big, long story is to say, "Yes, stepping back is OK". 

I'm good with it.


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## jazzman7 (Mar 30, 2022)

I struggle in similar ways. Self criticism is a tricky thing for me. A certain amount of it, fueled by ambition, can provide some real fuel to reach farther than I thought possible.

Yet in these last few years, my self criticism has grown out of proportion.

In my youth when I first got the composition bug, I had a huge amount of confidence. Whatever I attempted was going to work. A confidence born of youthful ignorance? Not entirely. There is a certain indefinable magic in the energy, that wellspring of desire every generation has. "I have a voice. I will sing it, shout it, and let that creative spark leave its mark... This is my time, and it's so short!".

As I've grown older, the complexity, along with the (I Hope) wisdom and the experience, is greater. But the energy and intensity is now something I must manufacture more and more. It just doesn't spontaneously flow like it did and My self criticism has started to grow out of proportion. When it does, what was once part of the fuel becomes a weight tied to my ankles.

We have seen far greater creatives than me suffer from this. In biographical sketches I have read, Jean Sibelius' self criticism was a huge barrier in the last few decades of his life. No major works in his last 30 Years... The unfinished 8th Symphony thrown in the fire!

There are so many examples of people whose greatest achievements occurred in their late youth, and never quite matched. As always, there are examples the other way around, but it does happen that way all too often.

No magic solution here. I find the best thing to do is engage in a proper self dialog and Tell negativity, self criticism and disillusion to take a hike! No more crying over the fact it felt so automatic back then. Being truly thankful for what I have and building on that foundation has been the most fruitful course for me.

"Have a little fun and quit being so damn serious all the time!" is the best advice I try to give myself every day.


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## CGR (Mar 30, 2022)

jazzman7 said:


> I struggle in similar ways. Self criticism is a tricky thing for me. A certain amount of it, fueled by ambition, can provide some real fuel to reach farther than I thought possible.
> 
> Yet in these last few years, my self criticism has grown out of proportion.
> 
> ...


Some wise words here. Thanks for sharing your insights.


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## JJP (Mar 30, 2022)

@merlinhimself I posted about a podcast interview last fall where we wound up talking about the issue of success and what it means. We touched on a lot of the things mentioned here. In case you find it interesting… 
Thread 'Sound Business Podcast - Working on Hollywood's Biggest Movies with Jason Poss'


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## MauroPantin (Mar 31, 2022)

Some great reflections and insights here. I can relate to some of the described headspaces, everyone is there at some point... Or every other week sometimes. My two cents on all of this:

1- At this point in my life, "Making it" for me is to be able to make a decent living from music, and have time to be around for my wife, family and friends. That's it. Anything else is a welcome bonus. I'm not about to pass on scoring a AAA video game or a blockbuster film, of course, I'd love to have that happen to me. But I don't NEED that to be happy or feel accomplished.

2- I think in the music business (and probably other art oriented businesses like it) it's a marathon not a sprint, and the marathon is done while being pursued by zombies. If you can stay alive long enough you'll eventually be able to make a decent living from it and have opportunities come your way. Not guaranteed, of course, you need to be as business savvy as possible, and also a little preparation and luck. It takes tremendous patience, but I'm positive that if you stick around long enough eventually something good comes around.

3- The way I've tried to do things is to be happy with wherever I am at. I took this from Chris Hadfield's "An Astronaut's Guide to Life On Earth", highly recommended read. He mentions wanting to be an astronaut from a very early age after watching the moon landing, but recognizing the difficulty of having that aspiration in Canada at a time where they didn't even have a space program. So he recommends getting close to what you want, as close as you can, in such a way that if you don't make it another step, then you are happy where you stand.

Taking a page from his playbook, I like music. I wanted to make a living from it. Ideally in my wildest dreams I would love to score the next Alien or Star Wars film. But a) I'm not nearly skilled enough to do any of that (yet) and b) that's something that 0.01% of us will get to do. So, the way I think of that problem is this: I am going in that direction of travel. I am trying to be as proficient as I can with the time I have. Anywhere I land in between where I am now (writing library music, being a copyist and orchestrator) and say... "Star Wars XVI: Looking For Love In Alderaan Places", I'll be happy with. It seems like a healthy way to approach it. Otherwise you are tied to this binary outcome of failure or success and at least for me that is a recipe for unhappiness.


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## Mr Frodo (Mar 31, 2022)

MauroPantin said:


> "Star Wars XVI: Looking For Love In Alderaan Places"


👏

Apart from all the good advice above, it was worth reading this thread for that title.


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## TomislavEP (Mar 31, 2022)

I think I know the feeling. I've started at an early age and despite the formal education in completely different areas, I've devoted everything in my life to music. Although I've never stopped believing that music is the very best of me, so far I didn't have too many opportunities to capitalize on this, especially in a financial sense. On the other hand, I've gladly embraced struggle and insecurity in the favor of the freedom that I have while trying to make ends meet primarily through music. Of course, one has to make certain compromises for this to work. For me, this assumed working as a pro and studio musician, doing some teaching, etc., although composition is perhaps my biggest and true love.

Speaking of which, as a huge film buff, for a long time I've thought that being a film or media composer would be an ideal career for me. However, as time passes by, more and more I'm finding out about all the negativities that this particular path brings along. Things like constant stress, cutthroat attitude, incessant competition, pushing and elbowing, needing plenty of luck and support from others, etc. In short, the very things I've been escaping from by trying to stick with music in the first place. Still, I'm hoping that I'll have a chance to leave my small mark in this area of music as well someday. But I had silently chosen a path of trying to be a composer in a more traditional sense instead (and I'm glad for it). Also, trying to find meaning and comfort in creativity itself while hoping for the bare necessities in the process.


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## Roger Newton (Mar 31, 2022)

chillbot said:


> Could I do what Thomas Newman does?


I like to pretend that I can to perfect strangers who don't know the first thing about music and have probably never even heard of Thomas Newman.

I worry more about getting lag in my golf swing and telling the English Golf Union their idea of the mathematical formula they've come up with to work out players handicaps is the worst bollocks I've seen in golf for 50 years.


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## Chris Harper (Mar 31, 2022)

There aren’t many composers who don’t share your dream of scoring the big budget film, at least in a superficial way.

There are some incredible composers in this very thread who have achieved what thousands of others can only dream of, and they also share your dream. It’s just how most of us are wired.
When you really think about how few big name composers there are scoring big budget films at the highest level, it’s pretty humbling. There are more people playing in the NFL or Major League Baseball. There are more golfers on the PGA Tour. There are more mega-famous pop stars. There are more CEOs of giant corporations. There are more United States Senators. There are more people serving as heads of state of nations in the world. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but if that’s the measuring stick for success, then being discouraged is nearly universal.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, no matter what incredible level of achievement you reach, there are people in that same position who are complaining about it right now. There are CEOs making 8 figure salaries who complain about being underpaid. And I guarantee there are too-tier film composers complaining about various aspects of their jobs. 

@gamma-ut put it really well: “Whatever the role, it's important to keep in mind the distinction being wanted to _be _something and wanting to _do_ something.”

When I read about people working their way up the ladder in film scoring, it sounds like a pretty tough life. I admire people who chase their dreams, and I certainly envy those who are successful, but I guarantee that they have more than their fair share of frustration, boredom and dissatisfaction as well.

At a deeper level, try to understand what happiness is, and why we are motivated to constantly achieve more. I recommend reading a little bit about the idea of “hedonic adaptation”. A Google search will tell you plenty. I found that learning about the psychological mechanisms of happiness helped me to gain some balance and perspective in my own life. There are many aspects of my life that I greatly appreciate, like my kids, and I make damn sure to remind myself to be happy because I have them. I also have many dreams that will have to remain dreams, and that’s ok too.


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## liquidlino (Mar 31, 2022)

Comparison is the root of unhappiness. Learning to be happy and grateful for what you've achieved and have already, is the root of happiness. Chasing the next thing that you think will make you happy is an endless unhappy journey.

I highly recommend the "science of happiness" free Yale course on coursera. Literally changed my life three years ago. 









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## LamaRose (Mar 31, 2022)

"There are legions in the unseen applauding your work."
unknown


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## Sebastianmu (Apr 1, 2022)

Just to give some perspective:

There are more than 4.000 composers active in LA alone.


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## JimDiGritz (Apr 1, 2022)

Sebastianmu said:


> Just to give some perspective:
> 
> There are more than 4.000 composers active in LA alone.


There is a truth to this - for every Elon Musk there are 10 people who lost everything in a startup despite having great ideas and execution.. We only hear from Elon so the 'advice' is real survivor bias... 

That said, my worst enemy is the "Here are 10 reasons why this idea/venture won't succeed - don't bother!"


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## JimDiGritz (Apr 1, 2022)

That said, there are 600+ new *scripted US *TV series alone released every year - that's c.3,600 episodes equaling 108,000 minutes, which, even if only 25% need music equates to 450 hours of music required.

I'm not in the business, and maybe the number of library tracks is now simply at saturation point and other than on-point trending styles everything else has already been created...


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## Chris Harper (Apr 1, 2022)

There are a lot of great points being made here, and this discussion really does apply to any aspiration one might have in life. Just as Aristotle taught over two millennia ago as the Golden Mean, finding balance and moderation is the key.

Being overly pessimistic is never helpful for anything. It is poison, and overly pessimistic thoughts should be rooted out at all costs. Nobody would do anything with only pessimism.

Likewise, I think being overly optimistic and grandiose is dangerous to most people. There are an unfathomable number of self-help books, courses, seminars, coaches, gurus, cliched posters, with countless hucksters and charlatans who have never achieved much of anything to peddle them. There are entire industries and pyramid schemes designed to prey on people that stray too far down this path. 

My earlier post mostly touched on the dangers of setting expectations too high. The danger in having too much optimism and overly high expectations is that it can lead to disappointment and disillusionment when those expectations aren’t met by reality, which seems to be the root issue here. 

I think everyone experiences disappointment and discouragement sometimes. That’s totally normal. I personally don’t think that any amount of “power of positive thinking” or “if you can dream it, you can do it” will prevent the occasional bout of discouragement. At least not for me.

But being discouraged doesn’t mean we are doomed to fail, and I didn’t mean for my post to be discouraging. I think the point of discouragement is where a healthy dose of realism comes in handy. If being John Williams is the only measure of success, then only one of us has ever been successful.

If I measure myself against that standard, then it only reinforces my feelings of discouragement. It would not be reasonable for me to feel like a failure because I’m not John Williams, because nobody is John Williams. And if being one of the top 20 composers in the film industry, very then only 20 of us are successful. That’s a pretty high bar to have to meet. You not only have to be among the best, but probably incredibly lucky as well to be in exactly the right place at the right time.

But the reality is that there are plenty of successful working composers out there who make a decent living doing it. Even other composers have never heard of most of them. Their versions of success are all very different, but they are all being paid to do something they love. And there are countless more who get paid to do something else, but find enormous fulfillment in composing. I consider them to be successful composers as well.

It is true that there is a very limited amount of music that is scored to a locked picture for a major motion picture, or even a top-tier television show. The vast majority of composers will never score a theatrical release. But there are tons of unscripted shows with 2 or 3 dozen cues on their cue sheets in a single episode. With hundreds of TV networks, streamed content, video games, internet content, etc., there is an enormous amount of music being consumed. More than ever before. Personally, I’m fine with that. Is it a difficult profession to be successful at? Sure. But once you broaden the definition of success, it’s much less insurmountable.

If you don’t like doing it anymore, that’s a good reason to give up composing. If you can’t afford to eat or provide shelter for your family, that’s a good reason to put it on the back burner. If you are just discouraged, give it a couple of days and see how you feel. Maybe take a break and go enjoy something else for a couple of days. Then, try to only focus on the next small step, whatever that may be for you. Make that the measure of success. Then it won’t seem so far out of reach.


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## Roger Newton (Apr 1, 2022)

Chris Harper said:


> Being overly pessimistic is never helpful for anything. It is poison, and overly pessimistic thoughts should be rooted out at all costs. Nobody would do anything with only pessimism.



Lot of good points there Chris. You have to have a positive attitude in this world to get ahead. Essential. At the same time you also need to have built in failsafe mechanisms to stop yourself getting overly confident and blowing your stack on whatever the project might be. It's a happy medium.

Goals are good but they need to be achievable. Otherwise they're not realistic and merely become wish lists or fantasy. Achieve one goal and then ratchet up to the next goal.

Whatever it is a person wants to do (that's not ludicrously crazy) - they should never let other people discourage them. Generally, these kind of offerings come from personalities that are far too cautious and risk averse, or a lot of the time they are just plain losers. Avoid.

When asking for advice, ask it from proven people that are balanced and encouraging. At the same time, a person needs to be able to accept a judgement that they may not want to hear from same positive personality.


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## Henrik B. Jensen (Apr 1, 2022)

I remember seeing a post by @AlexanderSchiborr - who unfortunately is not active on the forum anymore. It went something like this:

Effort + Commitment = Results

If it feels like there are a million things you need to learn and do before you can get anywhere close to achieving your dream, remember the line above. Every little step counts, as long as you’re moving forward towards your goal  You may not reach it tomorrow or the day after that, but if you just keep at it, you will get results.


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