# I want to land my hot air balloon



## Fifikins (Feb 18, 2016)

I refer to what I'm doing today as a composer; as my 'hot air balloon'; my self constructed, rickety old hot air balloon. 







Which is a visual I use to represent my knowledge, skills, equipment, circumstances, strategies (and so on) as a composer. 

It is full of holes so it wastes a lot of fuel... It is misshaped, so it drifts to the side a lot, and sometimes I go round in circles (but sometimes those circles are spirals, so I still manage to go upwards some how and break through the clouds)... I can't go very high or far.. and need to refuel a lot. 






I have what is known as ADHD, and other neuro diversities. diagnosed with 2 years ago (monumental life discovery for me). Beginning treatment for that means that I can now focus and pay attention, and learn things how other people learn. I couldn't get through year one of university, as I couldn't focus in a classroom situation. Which was extremely frustrating, as I was desperate to learn "Music Production for Film & TV". So I just did my own learning.. as I'm sure most people have done. 

Now that I can focus how other people focus, I can also learn how other people learn (I have less dopamine in my pre frontal cortex, so for neuro typical tasks which most systems in society are designed around; my brain is like an orchestra without a conductor.... when I take stimulants, it puts more electrical activity in my PFC so I can focus on things that neuro typicals focus on to learn......). And the last 2 years since the diagnosis, thing have gone really well !  ... I don't mean "life is sunshine and rainbows" well... but that with all the struggles and challenges any person has in life, I now have two hands more free to get stuck into those challenges, instead of my hands being tied behind my back while a large flippery salmon relentlessly slaps me in the face. 

So, now my brain; this orchestra, has a conductor... I have more executive function in my brain, more ability to focus in ways that neuro typicals focus..... (which is relevant as the world we live in is predominantly oriented in design around neuro typical brain wiring... which isn't "the healthy normal kind of brain".... it is simply the majority group brain... which in an unaware world where "majority rules"... anything minority group isn't called "different"... it is called, "a disorder... disability".. and the traits of neuro diverse brains are called, "bad, lazy, crazy, stupid"..... turning strengths into weaknesses.... and giving people with neuro diversities the ONLY REAL disabilities about their differences; Shame, guilt, fear....... and in fact... many people who are composers, designers, film makers and many creatives, among many other fields, have unidentified neuro diversities; which not many of us are fortunate in life to find a way of functioning and even doing well.... (as Hollywood is nicknamed, "ADHD City"... that's a long discussion, I'll leave that there lol) 

For me, this new access to functioning opens up a world of new things like courses. I am from the UK, but I'm based in mainland China with my wife and 3 year old daughter. So I'm looking at online courses/mentorship.






What I want to do, is land my rickety old hot air balloon... and instead of identifying and repairing holes and issues with that... I will, metaphorically speaking, build myself a spacecraft ! woooo hahah. (I am aware of how crazy this sounds... but I'm ok with that hahah... in fact, I accept that and love it.... "What progress, you ask, have I made ? I have begun to be a friend to myself" - Hecato). 






So I've seen this website PointBlankLondon which does all these different courses (music for media, mixing and mastering in logic pro etc.. you can get one to one advice and feedback on their courses.. and ongoing support. I might be advanced in some of the areas, but I know that I am beginner level in many areas too... there's things in production techniques, mixing, mastering and all sorts which I haven't even learned the equivalent of brushing my teeth or tying my shoe laces. But that hasn't stopped me from delivering on projects and making clients, producers, directors etc happy working with me. But it definitely bothers me when I see all the holes in what I do. 

I am searching for knowledge, learning and development for composers is out there in terms of courses, tutorial videos, mentoring or apprenticeship programs.. or long term courses, short term crash courses.. 

I need new knowledge.. and once I lock into it... I will hyper focus into it and get everything I can from it. I'm a bit like a fire work with many things... I need to get the right direction before I light the fuse, as I'm just going to fire into it. 






So I want to find the right things first... the best courses, tutorials etc. I am redesigning and taking off again. 

I'm naming it/project/business: Co-Voyager Audio






I have so many important parts of the ship already designed... and skills in how to operate and do commercially viable things... but I need access to knowledge to identify and work on the rest of the parts... life support systems, navigation, communication, fuel, shielding.... I have to visualise categories to understand them... and externalise systems onto my studio walls to understand how to do this. My self constructed rickety hot air balloon is generating enough for me to rent a premises, upgrade my rig, instruments, systems, I've hired a production assistant on projects... I need to connect to some sources for learning. 

I feel quite self conscious about posting this... as definitely the way I write words makes little sense to most people... which is why I was in the bottom sets for all academic subjects at schools, and why I dropped out of university and couldn't do any written assignments..... it's because I can't think and then write... I have to write as I'm thinking... and I have to see things visually to make sense of things... as I think in pictures and visuals, not in words..... and I think with a modulating attention from multiple angles of something, rather than in a linear way. And I'm aware of how it makes me look and sound when I write..... which is why I can be quite introverted and quiet.... not because I don't have lots to say... but because most people have no clue what I'm talking about. Which I understand. 

I'm just going to be weird and post this anyway... as if I can get the name of 1 website or 1 thing... that will be like breathing life into what I'm determined to do. My daughter is 3 next week... among other drivers.. she is a reason I want to deconstruct and rebuild everything. She's the reason I was driven to discover I had ADHD, and why I'm designing everything. The name I used on this forum is Fifikins.. she's called Sophia.. and I call her Fifikins.. and I want to be all I can for her.. which means overcoming all my BS learned in this life, living in an neuro-typical society. Also, there's a 79% chance she has ADHD too... so I have to learn healthy, functional ways to facilitate her learning too... and make sure adults in her environments understand her neuro diversities too.. 

She's called, Sophia... meaning "Knowledge"... as part of Philo-Sophia... "Philosophy".. "learning knowledge".... because I want her to be free in her thinking.. thinking for herself, developing her own ability to reason and think critically about sources of knowledge from her environments.... also in thinking with empathy and kindness... she isn't even 3 years old.. and on many occasions she does things like, another child her age saying they are scared of a firework (which went off outside one time) and Sophia said, "I am not scared. You don't have to be scared. I am with you." and held the other little girls hand. And (eek, conscious I should stop writing about 5 paragraphs ago).. the other day she stopped and had an angry face.. I said, "What is it?">... and she pointed to a river and said, "there's rubbish in the river... that is the fishes home...".... 
And she's not doing this because she's copying me.... she astonishes her teachers at play school and creates games for other kids to play... as she's constantly being impulsive and creative... Her favorite book is the bottom of her slippers, which have pictures on it (sunshine, houses, ocean, children... embossed into the rubber)... and even though we've got about a hundred amazing kids books, she always says, "read me a shoe story!"... because we look at the bottom of her shoe and make up a new story each time.... and more and more she freestyles it her self...... and also singing.. I've shown her how to sing about what she's doing or what she's experiencing... other people always nudge each other and say, "Look at Fifi!".. because she's just walking around singing, "I'm taking all the vegetables to Mr. Monkey for eating, and he likes vegetables and strawberry chocolate cakes"... 

Damn... that's another thing about ADHD brain... "bicycle breaks on a monster truck... you can't stop when you need to".. 

Ok... urrgh... will feel terrible about posting this as I know how inappropriate it is to post something like this. But if I try to edit it I will either never send it, or it will become 10 times longer.. I know this from thousands of experiences. So... gah... will just have to post..


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## Fifikins (Feb 19, 2016)

Translation: 

Anyone know any courses for music composition ? 

Logic Pro based preferebly... learning curves in DAW's might be too much while I have to work at the same time as learning. 

Production techniques, mixing and mastering, orchestral scoring... what instruments to use... how to compose for feature films... music for TVC's and advertising... music business... setting up music wesbite, show reel (I have hundreds of videos and don't have a show reel).... Mentoring, apprenticeship, label deals..... interested in accessing anything in any of these areas. 

Any sign posts suggested, I would be very grateful for. Thank you


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## thov72 (Feb 19, 2016)

tried thinkspace?


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## Fifikins (Feb 19, 2016)

thov72 said:


> tried thinkspace?


fantastic, thank you :D 

I have subscribed to their website and will check them out. Thx v much !


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## mc_deli (Feb 19, 2016)

I am on board


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## Jaap (Feb 19, 2016)

I am just hopping in to say I absolutely admire and love your post. My sister has ADHD as well and has been through the same as you and since she got her diagnosis 3 years ago and got good threatment she finally can work on a solid base with the right focus. She is very intelligent, but could never finish any education which has been extremely frustrating for her.
As far as it goes for recommendations for a good website regarding courses I have not much to contribute, but got one thing that quickly comes to my mind. Browse for the videos and masterclasses from Mike Verta (he is on this forum as well). Very helpfull in all aspects - from mockup to the business side of things and he does it in a very entertaining way.
Good luck and a salute to your bravery to post this!


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## Baron Greuner (Feb 19, 2016)

edited


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## Dean (Feb 19, 2016)

Fifikins said:


> Damn... that's another thing about ADHD brain... "bicycle breaks on a monster truck... you can't stop when you need to"..



Best post ever! 
Your daughter sounds like a lovely person!

ps: Have you ever thought about also writing short stories (about you and Sophia?) for children and adults with ADHD? Maybe audio CDs too?,..and guess who could score the music? D


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## Dean (Feb 19, 2016)

Fifikins said:


> Translation:
> 
> Anyone know any courses for music composition ?
> 
> ...



re EQing;


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## SillyMidOn (Feb 19, 2016)

Try Steven Scott Smalley's fantastic course(s) on Hollywood Orchestration:
http://www.filmmusicinstitute.com/instructors.html

Also Mike Verta's courses seem ever popular:
http://mikeverta.com/wordpress/category/masterclasses/

Regarding Production, Waves have a ton of great videos, even if you don't have their plug-ins they still apply. And btw, their plugins are expensive, but sign up to their newsletter, as they have weekly amazing deals:
https://www.youtube.com/user/danielwaves

And lastly Dave Pensado has really useful videos on mixing/mastering:
https://www.youtube.com/user/PensadosPlace

Bonne chance!


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## MA-Simon (Feb 19, 2016)

+1 on the Mike Verta courses!


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## jacobthestupendous (Feb 19, 2016)

Dean said:


> Have you ever thought about also writing short stories (about you and Sophia?) for children and adults with ADHD?


American actor, Henry Winkler (who is dyslexic), has a series of books he's cowritten about a dyslexic character named Hank Zipzer. I haven't read any of them, but I have heard a couple of interviews with Henry Winkler where he's talked about the books and his passion to present kids with a role model who is also, as you would say, neuro diverse. Might be worth checking out.


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## Fifikins (Feb 19, 2016)

I felt quite sick with anxiety about posting that.. but made myself check replies (imagining a reply, words to the effect of, "Sorry, but get off your pitty potty"... "stop playing the victim... first world-complaining whiner!".... "don't you think anyone else has challenges in life ?"... "That's the problem with you ADHD people, you just have excuses.. when really you're just lazy, ungrateful complainers.")..... Not that I think anyone else is like that... I just can't help anticipating that... (ahhh.. I'm going to sound like a broken record now.... but the reason I freak out and worry like that is another disorder which came out of ADHD, called Avoidant Personality Disorder. Where I get extremely sensitive to being seen and negatively evaluated... to the point that I get hyper vigilant, which fuels me writing more when I feel like I'm going to get attacked... to the point that I feel very anxious in different situations.... and the problem with how that keeps bumping heads with ADHD... is that I'm very impulsive.. so I can be very honest and open with people.. and then suddenly feel very anxious and vulnerable. Anyway, I'm not intending to play a victim.. I just want to..... urrggh... well, again, I realise that what I'm doing is trying to say, "I'm not being bad! don't judge me as bad! It's just that I'm scared, that's all ! and I get worried and write a lot when I feel scared".... it's quite easy to annoy people, or just come across in a way that isn't me at all.. So I mostly stay quiet... BUT ! I'm putting a stop to all that now, and changing it all through treatment, step by step. Part of the treatment is becoming more of an observer of what I think and feel; essentially, Mindfulness. 

Which I like to mix in with a bit of Eckhart Tolle, "You are the universe experiencing itself as a human, for a little while"... And Rumi, "you are not a drop in the ocean, you are the entire ocean within a drop"... And Joseph Campbell, "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek"... and Terrence McKenna, "Dive into the abyss, and find it is a feather bed". And Einstein, "The greatest emotion we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. Those to whom are a stranger to this emotion, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe. Their eyes are closed, they are as good as dead". 

Erm... rewinding back to anticipating negative evaluations of what I originally posted..

even just worrying about that sort of thing is cold.. and from the actual comments everyone wrote I got warm sunshine in kind words, useful advice and solutions I needed  Amazing xD Much appreciated !!






damn.... I wrote a lot again :/ sorry for anyone who finds this X, Y, Z.... I'm just freaking out, but will calm down once I stop feeling hyper vigilant and anxious (actually.... I need to observe everything happening... as not only will I get through all this... but I'll also understand how to help others get thought it too some day)... the alternative is that I stay silent and don't participate in anything... but that's what I've done for over 30 years and I'm just trying to change that now..

Checking all these links... THANK YOU SO MUCH !


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## Dean (Feb 19, 2016)

Man,your posts are brilliant,..I dont have ADHD but I can relate to alot of what youre saying.

 D


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## Dean (Feb 19, 2016)

btw have you listened to Alan Watts? Theres endless Youtube links,..check him out. D


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## Lassi Tani (Feb 19, 2016)

Best solution would be to concentrate on one course or tutorial at a time. I don't have an ADHD, but I get easily bored, and I'm always looking for new things. E.g. I've taken Cinematic Orchestration, Music for the Media, Blueprints, and the mixing course at Thinkspace, and a couple of Mike Verta's courses, I have a bookshelf full of books for self study, and I'm still looking for getting new courses and buying new books. And I haven't finished any of the books or any of the courses yet. My advice: One course or a tutorial at a time.


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