# Another one bites to dust



## impressions (Feb 7, 2019)

probably an anonymous to most of you. but could be a beneficial reading.

start of death letter :D ...
I was trying to be a good composer, really did. tried to learn the chops, work as best as i could at gigs. but the hard truth was its too damn hard and too damn costly, emotionally and economically. and its not like there is a shortage of good composers out there.
I think i had my moments, and i appreciate the journey, which i obviously had to take. just like most of you.
if I was a young guy at my 20's I would probably go on for many more years. but at my current level and the enormous undertaking it requires just to get a gig, I better be off it.
it was a heck of a ride. some of it really really crappy, on terms of the work i've released because of bad choices on gigs, or lack of. the crappy pay, the unelievebly too long work hours, the bad day muse, the good day muse which doesnt fit the gig . plus i always felt I wasn't developed and even trained enough to really perform in these conditions(i am self studied composer which started 8 years ago). it is a profession, not something you just pick up. even though you can get by it for a while as I did. but to a point. until it burns you out.

still got my teaching gigs, jazz gigs,playback gigs, learning programing now to have a day job. i'm sick of not seeing my family, and handing all the responsibility of educating the kids to the tired wife which is already swamped emotionally from her job as a teacher.

not all is gray and dark though, I am now on my free time, doing a my own animation film(just concept stage yet) which the soundtrack is already composed(by me of course). so I've learned animation and drawings from a bunch of courses, and enjoying it thus far. I have my vipassana meditation which is basically part of the reason i lost my interest in composing. became vegan a year ago. starting doing some guitar masterclasses. so yeah. who knows. or not :D .

keep it up guys, I know its so hard, so congratulations on your effort, and thanks for letting me share and talk etc.

smeared corpse signing off...
Ariel


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## Chr!s (Feb 7, 2019)

I respect someone who knows when to quit and throws in the towel a lot more than those who should, but soldier on for a cause that's just not worth it in the end.

Seriously, good on you for putting your family first. I always tell newbs to the game who have unrealistic expectations to consider the price you pay in this world for not making money at music after years of putting all your eggs in that basket and putting family second so that they don't wind up making threads like this, or worse, ten years from now. Every time, I get crucified for it.

and this thread will probably be no exception.


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## Desire Inspires (Feb 7, 2019)

Good luck in your future endeavors.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Feb 7, 2019)

Can't say I agree with your philosophy, you just need to revisit your gameplan instead of quitting. You CAN pursue composition gigs and spend quality time with your family. I know, because I did it myself. If it's something you still dream about, then why stop? It's all about "baby steps" and setting incremental goals. There's also no time limit, nor is there an ideal age to start the journey. Heck, I've been at this for 30 years part-time, but it fulfills my lust for writing and producing music. Maybe you were trying to pursue the unreachable gigs? Were you hoping to make it your primary career? I didn't know your scenario, but surely you can make it work.


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## impressions (Feb 7, 2019)

@Wolfie2112 
oh its definitely out of the equation. I just lost the interest. perhaps it is burning out, perhaps it is too difficult, or I don't feel i have something to contribute in that field. it just isn't my dream anymore. my philosophy is always do whatever the hell you are motivated to. and I'm just not into it. this whole landscaping and mapping the emotions as a job. nope. I can do that without music and it will even make me feel better and not pay a dime and with like 10,000 less time.
I dont even have a crazy hollywood dream of becoming the next JNH or whatever. I still very much appreciate all that try and make it, and the music and the art. but sorry, I'm still a jazz guy at my soul, and I have tons of ideas of what to do with my time.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Feb 7, 2019)

At least you are still doing something musical, that is the key!


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## erikradbo (Feb 7, 2019)

Wolfie2112 said:


> At least you are still doing something musical, that is the key!



Yes, we can't all pursue the big stuff, B minor.


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## robgb (Feb 7, 2019)

Not music, but as an author, I understand the pain. I ALMOST gave up many times. But if I HAD given up, I never would have—at fifty—sold my first book to a Big Five publisher and subsequently written and published a couple dozen more under various names. And my family always came first...


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## MartinH. (Feb 7, 2019)

impressions said:


> not all is gray and dark though, I am now on my free time, doing a my own animation film(just concept stage yet) which the soundtrack is already composed(by me of course). so I've learned animation and drawings from a bunch of courses, and enjoying it thus far.



I fully understand and support your decision to quit a creative job. I'm a bit skeptical though if animation really is better. Or is that just a hobby, and programming is where you seek your next employment?
I'm wishing you success either way!


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## Jeremy Spencer (Feb 7, 2019)

Well, if someone just gives up and loses interest, it wan't a deep passion in the first place.


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## prodigalson (Feb 7, 2019)

There's a great book called "the dip" which is all about just this, how sometimes quitting (or at least knowing when to quit) is the best thing you can do. Life is too short!


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## MartinH. (Feb 7, 2019)

I've heard someone argue rather passionately that the advice "follow your dream/passion" is terrible job advice and that just not everyone has that kind of passion or calling, and it can lead people down a sad road of self doubt and failed experiments, instead of just getting a stable and sustainable job and enjoing their free time without the struggles of the freelance- or artist-lifestyle.


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## FriFlo (Feb 7, 2019)

Congratulations to you for the honesty! That is the first thing that comes to my mind, as you probably just don't realize how many people here are either just doing this for fun or feel the same , but don't dare to be that damn honest about it.
Then, there is another side of it ... music, and especially composition and art are not comparable to other disciplines. What one person considers a comfortable life with a good ratio of work, payment and off-time is extremely different for another person. That is why two people can really be at the same spot in almost any way, but one person will call his/her life miserable, while the other person will say he/she's absolutely happy with it. That is rather a question of personality and character.
Another thing is, music cannot be mastered in a comparable time to most other fields of 'work'. It may very well be possible to become a good lawyer, just because you have some talent for the job and studied for 5 years in the field of law. The same can be said about many jobs, but music and a few other fields are very different, because you need to be talented and study for a live time and - with the exceptions of some geniuses - still feel miserable about your accomplishment, because you are still light-years away from Beethoven ...
Maybe you come to the point to realize, 'well, I am no genius, but that is fine! I just wanna be doing ok and make a decent living!' If you think like that, you are right to do something else! Music, and especially composing, is one of the hardest jobs to make a living of. Other occupations are way better fit for that goal. Don't get me wrong! I am not saying, do another job, and you will be really successful. In any field of work, that is a hard thing! Music is just one of the hardest to just even barely make it.
Lastly, it also depends on what you consider successful ... There are are really average talents, being established in the business. Many are by no means top composers, yet, they made it, because they did well in all of the other skills you need as a film composer, soft skills like talking to people, getting organized, understanding the film business and act according to that.

In my case, I am reasonably happy, with what I have achieved, but that is mostly due to the fact that I don't need a lot of material things to be happy. I live in a city with good public transportation, I ride the bike a lot, so I can get by without a car. I don't need to buy a lot of stuff, except for my studio - most important: my wife knows that is how I am and can live with that! 
And I can live with teaching other people piano and compositions next to the composing gigs. Hell, I even think it is a good diversion, because sitting all day alone in front of my computer would make me sick ... it is all dependent on you point of view ...


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## impressions (Feb 7, 2019)

Wolfie2112 said:


> Well, if someone just gives up and loses interest, it wan't a deep passion in the first place.


I'm not sure I agree to that.
I was totally immersed in the idea and had plenty of gigs at certain points. I am not really sure i was having fun. it was too hard. but i am pretty sure i was passionate about my goal. you can't just become a working composer from being a jazz musician without passion to do it. and it was pretty deep. in movies and theaters I was very serious about my art-those were probably more meaningful. but I just lost the interest to develop myself there. after the encounter with meditation.


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## prodigalson (Feb 8, 2019)

FriFlo said:


> That is why two people can really be at the same spot in almost any way, but one person will call his/her life miserable, while the other person will say he/she's absolutely happy with it. That is rather a question of personality and character...
> 
> ...In my case, I am reasonably happy, with what I have achieved, but that is mostly due to the fact that I don't need a lot of material things to be happy.



I agree with most of what you said but take issue with this point. you seem to be saying that if someone isn't able to make enough money to support themselves and are unhappy with that then they have weak characters and need too many material things? 

For many people, they are not able to even pay rent/mortgage, feed their families, pay their bills, let alone the frivolous things as christmas presents and maybe a family holiday once in a while. Being unhappy with this does not mean they need material things to be happy or have weaker characters


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## MartinH. (Feb 8, 2019)

impressions said:


> I'm not sure I agree to that.
> I was totally immersed in the idea and had plenty of gigs at certain points. I am not really sure i was having fun. it was too hard. but i am pretty sure i was passionate about my goal. you can't just become a working composer from being a jazz musician without passion to do it. and it was pretty deep. in movies and theaters I was very serious about my art-those were probably more meaningful. but I just lost the interest to develop myself there. after the encounter with meditation.



Are you aware of the phenomenon that intrinsic motivation decreases when extrinsic motivators like payment are applied? Did you ever feel like your declining interest correlated with your financial success in some way? 
And I'd be interested to read a little more about how meditation influenced your decision (or life in general). I'm trying to get into meditation myself, but I'm struggling to keep practicing regularly.


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## FriFlo (Feb 8, 2019)

prodigalson said:


> I agree with most of what you said but take issue with this point. you seem to be saying that if someone isn't able to make enough money to support themselves and are unhappy with that then they have weak characters and need too many material things?
> 
> For many people, they are not able to even pay rent/mortgage, feed their families, pay their bills, let alone the frivolous things as christmas presents and maybe a family holiday once in a while. Being unhappy with this does not mean they need material things to be happy or have weaker characters


No, your interpretation does not hit the meaning I intended.  I did not say one person is weak the other one is strong in character. It is just a different character and personality, if someone chooses to pursue a field of work, which is so much harder than others to even be reasonably successful in. That does not imply at all that this person is in some way better or has a better character. On the contrary, you might even say the person who has children and decides not to further pursue in the arts because he/she thinks it is more important to be able to support the kids properly is much more selfless and therefore "better in character". Yet, this is again just another example of how you might see that and I would prefer not to be quoted, as if I would consider either person better in any way. I just think those are different characters.
Also, I do not like that fact, that it is so hard to make a living of composing! Don't get me wrong, I would really like to get better pay for scoring jobs or more work or both!  If someone isn't able to pay the rent and food and other basic things, I would not consider that person a materialist! But if it is that bad, it is obviously a bad decision to continue working in that field without at least a second source of income. As far as the "frivolous Christmas presents" go, it depends ... of course you live a better live, if you can afford a few thing! But on the other side, some people in our materialist world consider many things standard, which you really don't need IMO. Things like buying the best iPhone every two years at least, owning a car (or even two or more) ... it is for everyone to decide what is considered a standard of comfort. Personally, I can easily abstain from a lot of those things and it enables me to do what I want without putting to much pressure on me to earn a lot of money. There certainly things you cannot escape, like in may case, the rent is so damn expensive where I live. Others living in more rural areas (or most of the U.S.) might not be able to get by without a car ...


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## Jeremy Spencer (Feb 8, 2019)

impressions said:


> but I just lost the interest to develop myself there. after the encounter with meditation.



That's what I'm saying, it's not what you truly want obviously. I am the opposite, I have always had the passion to compose...for both actual paid work and hobby. Everyone is different, but I keep my spectrum wide by playing in bands, etc, just to keep the musical creativity flowing. Maybe you just need some time away from music to really see what it is you want to do. Maybe just keep the composition gigs on the back burner and be selective about what you take?


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## prodigalson (Feb 8, 2019)

FriFlo said:


> No, your interpretation does not hit the meaning I intended.  I did not say one person is weak the other one is strong in character. It is just a different character and personality, if someone chooses to pursue a field of work, which is so much harder than others to even be reasonably successful in. That does not imply at all that this person is in some way better or has a better character. On the contrary, you might even say the person who has children and decides not to further pursue in the arts because he/she thinks it is more important to be able to support the kids properly is much more selfless and therefore "better in character". Yet, this is again just another example of how you might see that and I would prefer not to be quoted, as if I would consider either person better in any way. I just think those are different characters.



Thanks for the clarification. I suppose my understanding of your comments comes from the fact that, very often, the term "character" in this type of context refers to the *moral* qualities of an individual specifically, not just individual differences. So, assessing someone's ability to sustain themselves and their family happily in this industry as a difference in "character" is easily taken in a way in which I don't think you intended it to be taken.


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## impressions (Feb 8, 2019)

MartinH. said:


> Are you aware of the phenomenon that intrinsic motivation decreases when extrinsic motivators like payment are applied? Did you ever feel like your declining interest correlated with your financial success in some way?
> And I'd be interested to read a little more about how meditation influenced your decision (or life in general). I'm trying to get into meditation myself, but I'm struggling to keep practicing regularly.


Sounds like when you're doing too much commercial work you lose your soul. or burn out as they said. that's probably what happened to me. only that I was making mostly really bad money and really bad gigs, I guess i wasn't really that good. I had to still work on my chops a whole lot more, to really compete with what's out there, all the while the pressure of making more money was increasing(with 3 kids), and i was already feeling the burnout of losing the inspiration. the undertaking of getting artistic gigs is incredibly hefty and even when you do manage to do it-it is such a burden emotionally, i am not sure i was having fun at all near the end of it-it was all just something to do to get that goal, to be that person. those fantasies of grandior, its basically just greed.you can feel good about yourself once you realize all these are false, they are concepts, not real, just another way of enforcing and controlling an illusion. my own artistic goal was to view the spectrum of human emotion and to understand the soul and the thrill of it through music. it seemed such ridiculous goal now,since with meditation you can explore all the spectrum of your emotion and understand human soul much better and clearly, plus it makes you feel much better. you can gain confidence, effort, more wisdom, more patience, more focus and basically do whatever the hell you want without reacting so negatively to "non-prestigious" professions . I am just not motivated to get there. I am not like that anymore. I don't have that dream anymore. I know its hard for you to accept, because i once did. but its true. its like when i had the dream of becoming the next keith jarrett on guitar. it is a humongous undertaking to just even scratch the surface of being that. people don't realize how much hard work and dedication is required to become a true craftsman. so a jazz guy i can always be, regardless of age and time limits. but a sponsor of my family without a passion to be a composer is silly. its suicide, and I actually been there. I'm not saying what I am-is you guys. I am not like you apparently.


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## impressions (Feb 8, 2019)

Wolfie2112 said:


> Maybe you just need some time away from music to really see what it is you want to do. Maybe just keep the composition gigs on the back burner and be selective about what you take?


anything is possible, i haven't sold any of my studio stuff and all the libraries i have. I'm still open to anything. but I know what i feel and what i don't want to do now. whether it is final or not, who can tell. music is an incredible burden with family. the emotional burden is just too much, too much pressure on each project, always too little pay, and yes, most importantly-where the hell is the fun I used to have? is it really worth it without the fun? think. you can't do something that requires tons of passion without the passion to do it. its just impossible. somehow you find that hard to accept


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## dzilizzi (Feb 8, 2019)

I actually can relate to this. I tried a few different fields before I ended up doing what I'm doing. I am mostly happy with what I do and it pays well enough I can cover my necessities and extras. But one of the reasons I haven't made a career in music is because the few different fields I tried. By the time I got out of them, I got little joy from doing the things about them that I loved. They were more artistic fields and I was good at some aspects of them and only okay at others. Competition and the fact that the okay parts tended to be the more necessary parts to achieve the job made it difficult to do well. And it really sucked the joy out of it. 

For music, I sing well. But there are a lot of good singers out there. I don't really play any instrument well enough, though I am slowly learning the necessary basics. I frankly was too afraid to try to do music when I was younger because I really didn't want to lose the joy I got from it if I were unsuccessful at it after my prior experiences. Got to have at least one hobby that makes you happy when things are bad. 

I think you have to be talented enough and really willing to work your butt off (and have some luck) to make it in the music industry. Or know the right people. Though generally, I find the ones without talent and/or unwilling to do the work don't seem to last long. 

So hopefully you haven't lost all the joy and can at least make it a hobby.


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## impressions (Feb 8, 2019)

MartinH. said:


> And I'd be interested to read a little more about how meditation influenced your decision (or life in general). I'm trying to get into meditation myself, but I'm struggling to keep practicing regularly.


be very careful when you get into this. as I've said in previous post, it basically just tore the whole concept of becoming someone. I got seriously into buddhism because i was suffering so much from the stress and there was lots of negativity, very little sleep because of new baby and not to mention relationships on fire because of the stress of all that.
If you do it right, and take a course with a monk, or a good authority of the practice, you can get pretty far really fast, like in a few months. which is what happened- the whole situation got reversed. I was able to sleep 3-4 hours and work perfectly ok, i was positive and accepting every situation. its a way of life, taking the precepts etc. i got really serious with it as I've said, since it showed me a whole new world and simply kind of life hack, of feeling better no matter the stress. I was able to do things much better, even in jazz i suddenly felt the alternating scales in fast bop tunes suddenly became much more easy to navigate. it was a great impact and an end to what gave me basically more suffering instead of making me happy. which was exactly why i quit. plus, it didn't even feel like loss, I'm proud of what i did, even the crappy ones, because i got payed for them. and the goal was not to be someone, but to be and be at peace with whatever comes your way. Its probably too much to digest to you guys. but you asked about it. there is much more to tell of course.


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## whiskers (Feb 8, 2019)

Wolfie2112 said:


> Well, if someone just gives up and loses interest, it wan't a deep passion in the first place.


Maybe, but there are no wrong answers here. People change, and you've gotta do what's best for you and yours. Sounds like his quality of life and happiness will increase, so I fail to see the downside here.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Feb 8, 2019)

impressions said:


> somehow you find that hard to accept



I do. I was in somewhat of a similar boat when I was struggling to raise a family years ago...I can relate to your scenario. However, the further I pushed the music away, the more depressed and grumpy I became. It wasn't myself, and that's when I realized how important music was in my life. I accepted the "musical dream" was over, not realizing success comes in so many different forms. Don't sell your studio stuff, just close the door and come back to it in time (however long that takes). Anyways, just my 2 cents, sorry if I am being a jerk


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## Michael Stibor (Feb 8, 2019)

impressions said:


> ...The emotional burden is just too much, too much pressure on each project, always too little pay, and yes, most importantly-*where the hell is the fun I used to have?* is it really worth it without the fun? think. you can't do something that requires tons of passion without the passion to do it. its just impossible. somehow you find that hard to accept



Very valid point, and it's something that I think is easily overlooked for composers with stars in their eyes, looking to get into the business. It's easy to forget that it is indeed a business just like any other.

I remember reading an interview with an NHL hockey player. They asked him what advice he had for players looking to become professionals. His advice was (and I'm paraphrasing slightly): Enjoy it now, while it's still a game, because if you become professional it will change, and you'll no longer be playing "just for fun". There will be a lot of pressure to perform every night at a level that's better than the guy beside you on your team. It will be competitive and very much a business.

So it's not like you don't have a passion for music, it sounds like you've lost your passion for the business side of it. And most importantly, it sounds like you've found a new passion which is great. As you said, you'll likely still score your film, and so there's room for passion for more than one thing. Good luck!


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## MartinH. (Feb 8, 2019)

impressions said:


> be very careful when you get into this. as I've said in previous post, it basically just tore the whole concept of becoming someone.


I've tried so many different things, and never found the one craft that I could truely identify myself with longterm. So I'm not even sure I ever had the thing that you're warning me I might lose. I appreciate the warning though! I'm often unhappy about not feeling that I've ever found "where I belong" and the kind of state that you describe seems like a pretty good place to be in, from my perspective at least...



impressions said:


> If you do it right, and take a course with a monk, or a good authority of the practice, you can get pretty far really fast, like in a few months.


Wow! "Months" sounds crazy fast for what you've reached. Congratulations!
I'm trying to do 20 minutes of _trying _to clear my mind (mostly not succeeding) per day, and don't even manage that 100% consistently. I went in with the expectation of it taking at least two years before I start feeling any kind of payoff, but I think 10 years down the line I should be really happy that I've done it. I consider it a longterm investment. I can't relate to all the spiritual stuff and I don't know much about Buddism, I'm only in it for the various benefits to body and mind.



impressions said:


> which is what happened- the whole situation got reversed. I was able to sleep 3-4 hours and work perfectly ok, i was positive and accepting every situation. its a way of life, taking the precepts etc. i got really serious with it as I've said, since it showed me a whole new world and simply kind of life hack, of feeling better no matter the stress.


That sounds magical! Do you think that level of - for lack of a better word - "enlightenment" can only be reached through the _intensity _of practice that you took upon yourself, or do you think one could get there with a much more relaxed schedule and it just takes 5 to 10 times as long to get where you are?



impressions said:


> Its probably too much to digest to you guys. but you asked about it. there is much more to tell of course.


Don't worry, it all makes a lot of sense to me. I'm having a little trouble with the spiritual side of things, because I'm a very rational person and more interested in the science side of things, but I know the two things aren't irreconcilable, as people like Matthieu Ricard demonstrate.


@Waywyn: just tagging you because I know you're interested in meditation as well and I thought you might find this thread interesting.


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## LamaRose (Feb 8, 2019)

@impressions From my viewpoint, I'm seeing/listening to someone who is simply evolving... and part of evolving often requires putting away old passions, habits, friends, expectations, etc. And some of our best friends _are_ our passions and expectations. They help define our identity... and when one withers away, part of us withers with it. And when this happens too fast and/or too traumatically, you can find yourself in a very uncomfortable free fall as the ground you had built your life and hopes on crumbles away. Deep reflection, introspection, meditation, and spiritual epiphanies can hasten this in beautiful and horrifying ways. 

But you still have passions, including music, and creativity in general. I happen to think Jazz and animation get along rather famously. And I also believe that short "catchy" films are a great vehicle to get your music _out there. _ So maybe you can carve out a little niche on the side for the time being. Maybe you can come up with the story and music, do a simple animatic, and find a collaborator to flesh out the visuals... or some such equation. 

It's not the end of the internet just yet... just keep as much creativity as you can in your life, be it writing a new tune or finding a better way to clean baby's bottom, and you'll stay afloat... and who knows what awaits upon that next horizon? Godspeed in your endeavors!


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## Akarin (Feb 8, 2019)

I will never be the next Hans, John or Thomas. I'm ok with that and my little music hobby that takes me roughly 8 hours a day (after the day job) starts to get me some publishing and placements. I'll never make "serious" money out of that and it's ok. 

I've been a programmer for over 20 years now and there is something: I can spend months without coding and I'm just fine. 

A day without launching Cubase and I get nervous, anxious. It feels stupid and cheesy to say but I simply couldn't stop or give up making music because it would hurt too much. If I can't be composing for an extended period of time, it gets physically painful. 

Anyway, best of luck in your next endeavor. If you pick up coding and want to go where the money is, study machine learning and deep learning and frameworks like TensorFlow.


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## impressions (Feb 8, 2019)

MartinH. said:


> I'm trying to do 20 minutes of _trying _to clear my mind (mostly not succeeding) per day, and don't even manage that 100% consistently.


well I cant just open up a lecture about the whole thing. but what you're describing is the cliche type of meditation which everyone thinks its all about. "clearing the mind" is the opposite of what you should, clearing the mind is the end result. any way i will put it basically: there are 2 kinds of meditations- samatha-that works on concentrating on just one object all the the time and repressing everything else(which i did for a year, didn't help one bit, except for good relaxing in session). and vipassana-which is insight meditation through mindfulness. where you concentrate on whatever object comes to your mind/senses. it is very difficult, like battling. but as i've said in a few months, you can see the difference right away.
how you actually do that and the technique, I can redirect you someplaces. but it still requires much honing from a teacher that you trust. and you probably need to be more versed in Buddhism to actually figure these things. like expectations. attachments.



MartinH. said:


> Do you think that level of - for lack of a better word - "enlightenment" can only be reached through the _intensity _of practice that you took upon yourself, or do you think one could get there with a much more relaxed schedule and it just takes 5 to 10 times as long to get where you are?


it might sound magical-but it just proves that everything is just conditioned.
no enlightenment there. Just less reactive and less attached to things, like sleeping, getting anxious, need for confirmation to feel good about myself etc.
I don't think you can reach deep understanding of things without putting in some hard work.
its like-could you be a good composer if you invested a few minutes here and there for a long periods of time, you know its not like that.
being mindful of yourself and your nature, and the nature of reality requires tons of hours of research. and the skill to actually do it well.
the first year i did the most time, like 2-3 hours a day. even if it required me to get up at 4am and sleep at midnight. you need to be dedicated you need to want to understand, then you can develop your skills as a practitioner.
so yeah, you can't really take a shortcut there. that's why most people will never get serious into this, because its way too hard, and they think they don't suffer enough to try it. but they do.


MartinH. said:


> I went in with the expectation of it taking at least two years before I start feeling any kind of payoff


that's where the danger is, for anyone who has becoming(the need to be something) because you dis-attach yourself through the practice. expectations is what you have to let go, because its what stopping you from getting there. its all about letting go, and if you have expectations that means you will feel disappointed by it, and you will since there needs to be freeing and no expectation.
I know its hard to to understand, but that's what i meant when i said you need a good teacher to follow you along the practice, and you need to get into the nature of things to really do the technique properly. at least that's what I've learned.

here is something -


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## impressions (Feb 8, 2019)

Wolfie2112 said:


> sorry if I am being a jerk


you don't, all is well  
I know its hard for composer to believe that one can actually dis-attach themselves from music because its such a spiritual source. but what if i told you I have found a much pure, more rich and infinite amount of that? would you then be more content with my decision?


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## Desire Inspires (Jul 9, 2019)

@impressions How is the animation going? Do you have any material to share?


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