# A kick in the teeth - well, it feels like it anyway...



## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 5, 2014)

I had the latest appointment with my oncologist this morning, and she didn't have good news :(

Some of the secondary tumours in my lungs have reduced, but some have grown. I've also got a large tumour growing on my spine. They've stopped the current treatment as it's clearly not working and the disease has evolved. I'm in for an emergency MRI scan tomorrow, and I find out on the 18th what treatment is next. It will probably include radiotherapy :/

It feels like a real kick in the teeth after everything I went through with the op last October. I really thought the fighting might be over, but it's all just starting again...

Martin


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## IFM (Feb 5, 2014)

Sorry to hear Martin. Stay vigilant! 
Chris


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## Guy Rowland (Feb 5, 2014)

Horrible news.... hope that however grim the next stage is, it'll be successful.


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## TGV (Feb 5, 2014)

That sucks. But don't be so negative about radiotherapy. At least, that's what the emoticon looks like to me. Radiotherapy is pretty refined these days, and delivers radiation to a very small part of your body. It can sound scary, but I know of a few people who have undergone it (quite a few years ago) and have been declared cured (i.e, no recurrence). So it might not be as bad as it may sound.

I wish you all the best.


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## JohnG (Feb 5, 2014)

I'm very sorry for you Martin. That is very difficult.


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## Vlzmusic (Feb 5, 2014)

My thoughts are with you, Martin. It always great to see you posting stuff about VI tinkering , thus hoping you are fine and have fun with your music.


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## Jaap (Feb 5, 2014)

Oh jeez man....all my thoughts are with you and I am not the prayer kind of guy, but I will pray that this will be better Martin.


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## dcoscina (Feb 5, 2014)

Take care Martin.


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## Ned Bouhalassa (Feb 5, 2014)

Thinking about you Martin.


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## germancomponist (Feb 5, 2014)

Oh, I am very sorry to hear this, Martin. 

I join you in my prayers.


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## Darthmorphling (Feb 5, 2014)

Wishing you well and really sorry to hear.

Don


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## AC986 (Feb 5, 2014)

Get well asap.


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## Brobdingnagian (Feb 5, 2014)

So terribly saddened to hear this news. Be strong, savour each moment and be as positive as you can be. Godspeed.

-B


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## lee (Feb 5, 2014)

You're in my prayers..


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone - that really means a lot.

I'm a bit shellshocked actually. I'll turn and fight tomorrow, but today I just want to hide under the duvet and pretend it's all been a bad dream. I'll get over the self pity in a few hours, but I need to wallow for a bit!

Thanks!

M


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## TGV (Feb 5, 2014)

You've got all the rights to feel sorry. Play or imagine the most beautiful music in the world, let it fill your head and heart, and expel all normal thought.


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## germancomponist (Feb 5, 2014)

Martin, read this: http://www.latimes.com/science/scie...cancer-20140205,0,6995167.story#axzz2sU5pXmOg


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## Matthijs van Wissen (Feb 5, 2014)

That's really sad to hear. It must be really tough for you! I wish you all the best. Don't give up hope.


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## Synesthesia (Feb 5, 2014)

Sending you lots of positive energy and prayers Martin. Keep strong!


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## lucianogiacomozzi (Feb 5, 2014)

Martin, my thoughts and wishes are with you. It's really tough but stay strong.


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## Ciaran Birch (Feb 5, 2014)

Stay strong buddy. Wishing you all the best.


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## Jaap (Feb 5, 2014)

Moderato Maestoso @ Wed Feb 05 said:


> Thanks everyone - that really means a lot.
> 
> I'm a bit shellshocked actually. I'll turn and fight tomorrow, but today I just want to hide under the duvet and pretend it's all been a bad dream. I'll get over the self pity in a few hours, but I need to wallow for a bit!
> 
> ...



You got all the right in the world to spit this out, feel this feelings. No need to apologise man!
Todays society is so focussed on all the quasi-positive shit (yes facebook....) that people almost feel ashamed when they want to express their feelings of the other side of the spectrum.
I wished you already all the best of luck, but here again.


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## Lex (Feb 5, 2014)

Sucks!...wish you all the best Martin.

alex


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## Mike Marino (Feb 5, 2014)

Prayers for you and your family. Keep fighting brother!


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you all so much! I can't describe what it means.

When people moan that VI-C is full of selfish people who are only interested in themselves, point them towards this thread! Your support means the world to me.

Music has - and will continue to be - my escape through all this. Being able to learn from such a talented bunch of people as yourselves is a privilege. This forum rocks!

Martin


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## TheUnfinished (Feb 6, 2014)

In the words of Private Darling (Blackader): "Bugger".

Keep strong, as I know you will.

All the best,
Matt


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## NYC Composer (Feb 6, 2014)

Hang in there, buddy. One at a time, knock the tough days down, keep finding the good parts. I think you will-appreciation seems to be one of your core strengths. We'll all be pulling for you.


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## mr (Feb 6, 2014)

Hey - so sorry to hear! That must be really tough - I wish you all the best.


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## Jem7 (Feb 6, 2014)

Really sorry to hear that man. I wish you the best. Be strong.


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## DanielBeijbom (Feb 6, 2014)

I'm really sorry to hear that Martin. I wish you all the best! Positive thoughts!


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## PMortise (Feb 6, 2014)

One more wishing you the best, Martin. Stay strong.


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## Waywyn (Feb 6, 2014)

I am totally aware that it is so easy to say all these things, but as a father whose daughter spent countless hours in surgery and months in the hospital I can at least get a glimpse of what you feel like!

Worst thing you can do is worrying. Turn your body into a war machine. Fuck cancer and raise your middle finger to "god" (I am sorry to say that - NOT!).

Besides brilliant doctors you don't need anything else than yourself. Grow over everyone. Watch 300, Spartacus or whatever epic movies and pretend you are that guy fighting his way through the masses of enemies! (Even as stupid as it sounds I know best that it can do wonders! - watch it over and over again and pretend that you kill all these nasty bitches inside you one by one!) 

Appreciate life and most important, turn your stress into positive power and rise! Most important thing is, that your own body and mind is fighting along with you!

I am not saying good luck, because I know you will win!


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## guydoingmusic (Feb 6, 2014)

Best wishes, Martin. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## jneebz (Feb 6, 2014)

I'm really sorry, Martin. Praying for strength and comfort for you.

-Jamie


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## R. Soul (Feb 6, 2014)

Keep the spirit high Martin. 

I hope things work out for you.


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## Blakus (Feb 6, 2014)

Praying for ya mate.


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## AC986 (Feb 6, 2014)

Hey Martin I love this old track from Tom Petty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMzW42zZVN0


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## williambass5 (Feb 6, 2014)

So sorry to hear this. I went through a recent scare when I was sent in for an MRI looking for a brain tumor. No brain tumor, thank goodness, but it really gave me some insight, however small, into the lives of people struggling, waiting for test results and the next step.

My best to you.


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## dinerdog (Feb 6, 2014)

I will pray that you find the courage to continue your fight. My sympathy and hope.


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## Astronaut FX (Feb 6, 2014)

Waywyn @ Thu Feb 06 said:


> I am totally aware that it is so easy to say all these things, but as a father whose daughter spent countless hours in surgery and months in the hospital I can at least get a glimpse of what you feel like!
> 
> Worst thing you can do is worrying. Turn your body into a war machine. Fuck cancer and raise your middle finger to "god" (I am sorry to say that - NOT!).
> 
> ...



I won't pretend that I have even the foggiest understanding of what you're going through. But I believe there is great truth in these words. I am 100% convinced that when it comes to diseases like cancer, your mindset is more important and more effective than any treatment plan available. Believe in yourself and your ability to fight like hell. Sending you good vibes and my sincerest hope for the best for you!


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 7, 2014)

Thank you everybody - I really appreciate your words.

I've just had a call from the hospital asking me to go for a consultation on Monday with an orthopedic surgeon (gulp...).

I'm petrified. As a conductor, I rely on my ability to move freely. I feel sick with worry now.

I said in my reply to someone's PM on here, and I'll share it with everyone: The support I have received from members of this community, and your willingness to pick me up when I fall is beyond anything I can describe in words. You are all special people. Thank you.

Martin


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 10, 2014)

There are some very odd moments in life. Like when the orthopaedic surgeon - a lovely chap called Pascal - explains (in broken and almost 'Rene-esque' English for any 'Allo 'Allo fans!) what's going to happen and you calmly reply "right", "ok", "yes of course", "uh-huh" etc. whilst at exactly the same time every single fibre of your being is screaming at the sky "haven't I been through enough already?! Haven't I already shown you that I can fight?! Surely I've got nothing left to prove now..."

They're selfish thoughts, and you try - although it's hard - to quash them as soon as they rise up in you.

The upshot of my MRI and subsequent appointment this afternoon with the orthopaedic surgeon is that I'm being hospitalised tomorrow to stabilise me before (yet another) pretty major operation - a vertebrectomy. They're going to remove the vertebrae closest to the tumour to alleviate the pressure on my spine and plate and bolt the gap together. This is reasonably urgent, as the tumour has been pressing on my spine a while and it is now in a pre-fracture state.

If that's considered the main course, dessert will consist of radiotherapy and other medicines to attempt to stop the evolution of the spinal tumour...

I felt lightheaded in the hospital when he told me it would be most likely this week. I can't believe I have to have more surgery. I genuinely thought I was done with all that hideousness :(

Thanks VI-C. You are a rock to support me even though I barely know most of you. Definitely the very definition of an online 'family', behind my wonderful family and incredible 'real-world' friends. It helps that I respect each and everyone's incredible talent too. I'm going to try and complete another Peter Alexander course in hospital - Danny Elfman is my new hero, and I hope to feel up to composing something stylistically similar soon 

If composing dark, angsty music is best done when full of angst and darkness, I'm your man! :D

Cheers,

Martin


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## Guy Rowland (Feb 10, 2014)

Peter Alexander's course with some horrendous surgery - could be some interesting music brewing there, Martin... can you smuggle in a laptop and a Korg Microkey?

Wishing you all the best for this week and the relentless rehab.


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## TGV (Feb 10, 2014)

Good luck with the operation. I've had a disk hernia in the neck, and they had to operate there, otherwise I would have lost most strength and agility in my left arm and hand. The thought of the operation was pretty scary: they were going to do something close to the locus of my entire nervous system. But the alternative involved not ever being able to play the piano. The operation itself was absolutely fine. I had to recover from back muscle problems afterwards, which took months, though.

TL;DR sounds scarier than it is.


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## AC986 (Feb 10, 2014)

Keep us all informed. From hospital if that's allowed.


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 11, 2014)

That's what I thought Guy!  I'm composing a cirque like show at the moment, and the storyline is pretty dark... Even if I'm just able to scribble a couple of themes down in Sibelius it'll be interesting to see what comes out!!

Yep I take both my laptop (for watching films and composing/writing) and iPad (for 3G net access) in with me, so as far as I can, I'll let people know how I'm getting on. I have no idea what my movement will be immediately after the op though...

M


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## Moderato Maestoso (Feb 11, 2014)

Thanks TGV - for a conductor, spinal surgery is a scary thought!


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## Guy Rowland (Feb 11, 2014)

Well, James Cameron famously conceived The Terminator when feverishly ill - if you can turn these horrors into something creative, that would be something.


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## Walid F. (Feb 11, 2014)

This breaks my heart, man. I really wish you the best of luck with this, and hope that music will help you get through it.  One day you'll be up and running, conducting again!

W.


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## TGV (Feb 11, 2014)

And don't forget: writing under medication can be a most interesting experience. When you write language, it usually goes wrong: you can't find the words, you get stuck, etc. But with music, such obstacles don't exist...


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## G.E. (Feb 11, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear this.I can't imagine what you must be going through.I know it's hard to stay positive in times like this but hopefully you manage to get through it.

Keep us updated.I wish you the best and hope to hear some good news from you in the near future !


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## danielcartisano (Feb 11, 2014)

Very sorry to hear of this.
I wish you all the best with your recovery.


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## Dean (Feb 12, 2014)

I'm with Alex,..fuck cancer!!You'll get through this and be stronger for their experience!

Cant wait to hear the music you compose once you've kicked cancers ass! D


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## JT (Feb 13, 2014)

Martin, my prayers are with you.


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