# Ebert -- "a horrible experience of unbearable length"



## JohnG (Jun 28, 2009)

Roger Ebert says:

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.
...

There are many great-looking babes in the film, who are made up to a flawless perfection and look just like real women, if you are a junior fanboy whose experience of the gender is limited to lad magazines.

This is part of Roger Ebert's review. The rest is at:

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090623/REVIEWS/906239997 (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbc ... /906239997)

Other reviews quoted:

"Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan!" (Bradshaw, Guardian) 

"Sums up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood!" (Tookey, Daily Mail) 

"A giant, lumbering idiot of a movie!" (Edwards, Daily Mirror)

[edit: I quoted this because of the perverse enjoyment provided by scathing reviews of popular films. I have seen only the trailer and haven't heard a note of the score. JG]


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## nikolas (Jun 28, 2009)

It makes me want to see it even more, you know! All these negative reviews?!?


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## Jaap (Jun 28, 2009)

> "Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan!" (Bradshaw, Guardian)



Ouch :mrgreen:


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## artsoundz (Jun 28, 2009)

nikolas @ Sun Jun 28 said:


> It makes me want to see it even more, you know! All these negative reviews?!?



you're not serious,are you?


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## nikolas (Jun 28, 2009)

No really. It sounds so bad that I would be willing to see it just to see if there's an exxageration to those reviews or not. 

come on, it's never happened to you? To hear something so bad about something that you had to check it out, just to see if it's true?


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## Jaap (Jun 28, 2009)

Yeah I know what you mean  I had it with some movies indeed. Till now I hadn't this feeling with Transformers 2, but it's starting to grow on me.


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## nikolas (Jun 28, 2009)

We're pretty close in age. Let's hook up together. I'll bring my Greek mentality and anything to do with ouzo and you can bring your legalized drugs and we can then be ready for this PARTICULAR movie! 

(If only I was in Holland, or you here in Greece I would honestly try to hook up and see it together just for the laughs!)


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## Hal (Jun 28, 2009)

same here i will see it as well.

i beleive if people know what they paid the ticket for they will not complain
this is a "transformers" movie so what did you expect !?
a huge movie like that you go if u wanna enjoy CGI,graphics,watch explosions,chases and listen to a 90 piece orchestra.
so give me comments about how good the robots are or how well the sound design is.

i still wana see it to understand why all this negative comments on a movie that am sure it did what was expected from it.


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## billval3 (Jun 28, 2009)

Hal @ Sun Jun 28 said:


> same here i will see it as well.
> 
> i beleive if people know what they paid the ticket for they will not complain
> this is a "transformers" movie so what did you expect !?
> ...



I'm not saying we have to have really high expectations, but should we expect it to suck? There's no reason why it has to!


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## SvK (Jun 28, 2009)

Video games have killed the popcorn movie............


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## SvK (Jun 28, 2009)

Think about it most popcorn mega movies today try desperately to emulate videogames or are outright based on one.......The film industry is missing the point........A video game is an interactive experience, which a film can never be......BOTH genres can co-exist without one trying to emulate the other........Due too advanced graphics being the norm now, CGI in films is about as exciting as being able to trigger a sample from a keyboard........it's just not that new anymore..........

I hope they learn soon........it's BORING.

SvK


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## Stevie (Jun 28, 2009)

nikolas @ Sun Jun 28 said:


> We're pretty close in age. Let's hook up together. I'll bring my Greek mentality and anything to do with ouzo and you can bring your legalized drugs and we can then be ready for this PARTICULAR movie!
> 
> (If only I was in Holland, or you here in Greece I would honestly try to hook up and see it together just for the laughs!)



Hey, I'm also at your age 
I can't miss this one. I'll bring german beer.


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## _taylor (Jun 28, 2009)

JohnG @ Sun Jun 28 said:


> Roger Ebert says:
> 
> " go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together.




haha .. awesome! 


Great idea for a new trailer cue :lol:


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## kid-surf (Jun 28, 2009)

poseur --

Oops, right, "slight of hand" is what I was looking for. If we've done it badly they (audience) can point out every deliberate emotional "cue" to feel this way or that. When we've done it well, the audience may not decipher just how they began to feel a certain way, they simply decipher that they have been brought from this place to that place...and now feel emotionally invested in the journey.

I think the biggest compliment I could ever receive would be, "Your film moved me, but I couldn't really tell you why...can't put my finger on it...just...I loved it". Good, I tucked in the seams and used enough well placed slight of hand, allowing you to FIND the movie, as opposed to mashing it (themes, motives, arcs, etc) down your throat.

Right, not precisely manipulation...an overarching opportunity to feel something authentic and true. (Genre is irrelevant)


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## midphase (Jun 28, 2009)

I think the main issue that I have with some of these big huge budget duds is that they're managing to steal all the thunder away from some of the smaller and yet very good offerings this year.

The Hurt Locker is only the latest in a slew of excellent films that most people have never heard of.

Moon, the Merry Gentleman, Anvil, The Brothers Bloom, and The Objective (last one is a personal joke) are all excellent movies who have come out without hardly anyone taking any notice, and I think it has a lot to do with newspapers and TV shows only having so much space to interview actors and directors, and having to give priority to the cast and crews from the big big films and largely ignoring the smaller movies.

So everyone keeps on bitching about the crappy movies that come out each year, and the good ones get ignored. In turn, the crap films keep getting people to buy tickets because they think there's no other choice, and the good small films get less and less ticket sales since nobody knows about them.

It's a vicious circle which will not change until we (the public) make more educated choices about what we expect from our $14 worth, and use our buying power to dictate to the studios what we want to see.


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## SvK (Jun 28, 2009)

"I'll put it into musical terms: Wouldn't a great piece of music heard LOUD be more "entertaining" than a bad piece of music heard LOUD? That's the point..."


......That leads us to another bad, freshman mentality permeating the current crop of popcorn movies. LOUD or Busy seems LOUDER only if followed by QUIET, this applies to storytelling S much as it does to scoring or dialog......

.........Contrast has gone out the window........

In other words if a film, it's music, it's effects, the arc of the story are busy throughout, it loses it's entire effect.........

Ps: I'm not oposed to the great popcorn movie, I love that.......unfortunately te great popcorn movie has been replaced by the 2 hour trailer......

SvK


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## kid-surf (Jun 29, 2009)

Kays, I hear you and agree. It's unfortunate.

I said in another thread that I want to see both Hurt Locker and Moon. Tried to see Hurt Locker this weekend but seats weren't available where I wanted. My wife said "Let's support a film that deserves it". We'll see it next weekend.

The other part of that vicious cycle is one that absolutely effect all the composers here at VI who are not yet THE MAN. And it goes like this: How the hell do YOU (whomever) expect to ever land on a big film when nobody sees GREAT (highly acclaimed) low budget indie (10 Mil is low budget to studio folks) films???

So...the composers lauding Transformers are, IMHO, cutting themselves off at the knees. If your films don't do anything, you'll not ascend to studio films. Fact of the matter.

Here's the thing, a screenwriter can simply write a script that matches a GIGANTIC studio film (on the page it's free). The writer has demonstrated that he/she can write at that level. In fact, they may sell that script for big bucks. Doesn't really mater if said writer sells the script so long as people around town love it. Studio folks will then BOOK said writer for a studio films. Said writer may not sell said script, yet stands good odds of turning a non-sale into 3-4 studio gigs in the matter of a few months (could amount to $500,000 the first year outta the gate). That's not true for composers. The films you score MUST make some noise in order to end up on studio gigs.


Thus, I don't get the support here for a crap film like Transformers... You think you're gonna go from a film nobody sees to scoring Transformers? I don't.


There's a method to my madness...


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## kid-surf (Jun 29, 2009)

SvK @ Sun Jun 28 said:


> "I'll put it into musical terms: Wouldn't a great piece of music heard LOUD be more "entertaining" than a bad piece of music heard LOUD? That's the point..."
> 
> 
> ......That leads us to another bad, freshman mentality permeating the current crop of popcorn movies. LOUD or Busy seems LOUDER only if followed by QUIET, this applies to storytelling S much as it does to scoring or dialog......
> ...



I love that line "the 2 hour trailer". I tried it on my wife, you got a laugh...


Yep, no contrast. When we look at all the classic films we loved, they all have it. It's an idea that is fundamental in the screenwriting world. Too much of a good thing is simply too much. It's like eating dessert three meals a day, you'll get a stomach ache, and how do you measure a great dessert anymore???


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## nikolas (Jun 29, 2009)

Review:

_>>Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?
_I have no clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart, except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that._

>>What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
_The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them._

>>What?
_Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their (bleep) lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird._

>>Why is the U.S. military helping them?
_Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots which took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly (bleep) at their job._

>>How does the U.S. military help them?
_Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work._

>>Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
_Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever._

>>How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
_Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyway, the shard makes him see symbols and act like more of a spaz than usual._

>>So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
_Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?_

>>What?
_That's what they said._

>>But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
_Yes._

>>...and now it can also bring him back to life.
_It's very powerful, this Allspark._

>>Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
_They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it._

>>Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
_Look, there's another Allspark shard and they get that one anyway, so it doesn't matter._

>>Well, then why do they give a (bleep) about Sam?
_The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him._

>>They weren't in the other shard?
_Apparently not._

>>So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols?
_Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut._

>>Wait.
_Waiting._

>>There's a slutty Decepticon?
_Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyway--_

>>Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?
_Yes._

>>So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?
_Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off._

>>How so?
_Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him òQ   ¦ :Q   ¦ ;Q   ¦ <Q   ¦ =Q   ¦ >Q   ¦ ?Q   ¦ @Q   ¦ AQ   ¦ BQ   ¦ CQ   ¦ DQ   ¦ EQ   ¦ FQ   ¦ GR   ¦ HR   ¦ IR   ¦ JR   ¦ KR   ¦ LR   ¦ MR   ¦ NR   ¦ OR   ¦ PR   ¦ QS   ¦ RS   ¦ SS   ¦ TS   ¦ US   ¦ VS   ¦ WS   ¦ XS   ¦ YS   ¦ ZS   ¦ [S   ¦ \S   ¦ ]S   ¦ ^S   ¦ _S   ¦ `S   ¦ aS   ¦ bS   ¦ cT   ¦ dT   ¦ eT   ¦ fT   ¦ gT   ¦ hT   ¦ iT   ¦ jT   ¦ kT   ¦ lT   ¦ mT   ¦ nT   ¦ oT   ¦ pT   ¦ qT   ¦ rT   ¦ sT   ¦ tT   ¦ uT   ¦ vT   ¦ wT   ¦ xT   ¦ yT   ¦ zT   ¦ {T   ¦ |T   ¦ }T   ¦ ~T   ¦ T   ¦ €T   ¦ T   ¦ ‚T   ¦ ƒT   ¦ „T   ¦ …T   ¦ †T   ¦ ‡T   ¦ ˆT   ¦ ‰T   ¦ ŠT   ¦ ‹T   ¦ ŒT   ¦ T   ¦ ŽT   ¦ T   ¦ T   ¦ ‘T   ¦ ’T   ¦ “T   ¦ ”T   ¦ •T   ¦ –T   ¦ —T   ¦ ˜T   ¦ ™T   ¦ šT   ¦ ›T   ¦ œT   ¦ T   ¦ žT   ¦ ŸT   ¦  T   ¦ ¡T   ¦ ¢T   ¦ £T   ¦ ¤T   ¦ ¥T   ¦ ¦T   ¦ §T   ¦ ¨T   ¦ ©              òT   ¦ «T   ¦ ¬T   ¦ ­T   ¦ ®T   ¦ ¯T   ¦ °T   ¦ ±T   ¦ ²T   ¦ ³T   ¦ ´T   ¦ µT   ¦ ¶T   ¦ ·T   ¦ ¸T   ¦ ¹T   ¦ ºT   ¦ »T   ¦ ¼T   ¦ ½T   ¦ ¾T   ¦ ¿T   ¦ ÀT   ¦ ÁT   ¦ ÂT   ¦ ÃT   ¦ ÄT   ¦ ÅT   ¦ ÆT   ¦ ÇT   ¦ ÈT   ¦ ÉT   ¦ ÊT   ¦ ËT   ¦ ÌT   ¦ ÍT   ¦ ÎT   ¦ ÏT   ¦ ÐT   ¦ ÑT   ¦ ÒT   ¦ ÓT   ¦ ÔT   ¦ ÕT   ¦ ÖT   ¦ ×T   ¦ ØT   ¦ ÙT   ¦ ÚT   ¦ ÛT   ¦ ÜT   ¦ ÝT   ¦ ÞT   ¦ ßT   ¦ àT   ¦ áT   ¦ âT   ¦ ãT   ¦ äT   ¦ åT   ¦ æT   ¦ çT   ¦ èT   ¦ éT   ¦ êT   ¦ ëT   ¦ ìT   ¦ íT   ¦ îT   ¦ ïT   ¦ ðT   ¦ ñT   ¦ òT   ¦ óT   ¦ ôT   ¦ õT   ¦ öT   ¦ ÷T   ¦ øT   ¦ ùT   ¦ úT   ¦ ûT   ¦ üT   ¦ ýT   ¦ þT   ¦ ÿT   ¦ T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦T   ¦	T   ¦
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>>Wait, what? Teleports?
_Yes, teleports._

>>Transformers don't teleport.
_Jetfire does._

>>But -- wait a second, he's a (bleep) jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
_Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they travelled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.

Then they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said (bleep) it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the (bleep) out of him. Although he escaped._

>>Okay...
_So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon._

>>Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?
_Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine._

>>I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.
_I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the (bleep) Sun."

If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?_

>>...
_..._

>>No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the (bleep) does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?
_Uh..._

>>And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no (bleep) reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
_...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.


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## nikolas (Jun 29, 2009)

The rest of the review:

_>>I may be ill.
_Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing._

>>Anything else you want to add?
_Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all._

>>Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?
_I can't answer every question, man._

>>Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
_Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman._

>>A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
_Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't._

>>That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
_Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."_

>>Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
_Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is._

>>What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the (bleep) does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
_I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads Sam to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous._

>>Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make (bleep) fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
_Because... because (bleep) YOU, that's why._

>>Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
_Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her._

>>If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
_When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a (bleep). "Math? Math is for (bleep). My movies are about (bleep) blowing up, man."_

>>Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
_"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

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## kid-surf (Jun 29, 2009)

That's the best review I've ever read...Hilarious! And spot on. Holes a plenty.

The sad (pathetic?) part is that I know why some of those "story" choices were made. A studio exec would puff his chest out and explain how these turns were "smartly constructed to MAXIMIZE this and that". Nonsense...

Credit where credit is due, it's Bay's movie.

Man that review was funny...who penned it?


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## Adamich (Jun 29, 2009)

kid-surf @ Mon Jun 29 said:


> That's the best review I've ever read...Hilarious! And spot on. Holes a plenty.
> 
> The sad (pathetic?) part is that I know why some of those "story" choices were made. A studio exec would puff his chest out and explain how these turns were "smartly constructed to MAXIMIZE this and that". Nonsense...
> 
> ...


lol, reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgYhLIThTvk


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## nikolas (Jun 29, 2009)

adamich: LMAO!


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## kid-surf (Jun 30, 2009)

Adamich -- seen it before, funny enough to capture me a second time!


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## nikolas (Jul 1, 2009)

Kid:

Found the source: http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bon ... php?page=1


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## Justus (Jul 1, 2009)

http://graphjam.com/2009/06/27/song-chart-memes-see-transformers/ (http://graphjam.com/2009/06/27/song-cha ... nsformers/)


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