# Please Place Your Favorite Puns Here!



## jsg (Aug 9, 2020)




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## jsg (Aug 9, 2020)




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## Jeremy Gillam (Aug 9, 2020)

jsg said:


>


He who would pun would pick a pocket!

I don't have any puns tonight, but this does remind me of a great business idea I had -- a shop called "Pedal Tones" that sells bicycles and modular synths.


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## Jimmy Hellfire (Aug 9, 2020)




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## mikeh-375 (Aug 9, 2020)




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## jsg (Aug 10, 2020)

mikeh-375 said:


>


😜😂


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## Zedcars (Aug 10, 2020)

I once asked Ringo Star if he would play on my new album. He said “count me in.“


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## Zedcars (Aug 10, 2020)

Me: Would you like some hot chocolate?

John Lennon: Cocoa? Oh, no.


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## Jdiggity1 (Aug 10, 2020)

Sorry I don't even know if this counts as a pun, but I got a whole stack of 'em ready to go..


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## Jimmy Hellfire (Aug 10, 2020)

Jdiggity1 said:


> Sorry I don't even know if this counts as a pun, but I got a whole stack of 'em ready to go..



Bombs away!


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## Jeremy Spencer (Aug 10, 2020)

I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler.....I woke up exhausted 

How do you clean a tuba? With a tuba toothpaste, of course 

What kind of pets make beautiful music? Ready.....wait for it...................Trumpets! 


I'm playing here all week...


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## mikeh-375 (Aug 10, 2020)

just awful Jeremy....


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## nolotrippen (Aug 10, 2020)

Jimmy Hellfire said:


>


My German wife loved that


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## nolotrippen (Aug 10, 2020)

The police are on the lookout for a short clairvoyant. He's a small medium at large.


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## jsg (Aug 10, 2020)

A waitress is working at the restaurant and walks up to a gentleman sitting at the table.

The man says "Could you please tell me about the menu please?" 

The waitress looks annoyed and says "The men I please are not any of your business!"


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## jsg (Aug 10, 2020)

Time flies like an arrow. 
Fruit flies like a banana.


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## Martin S (Aug 10, 2020)

(best of Stewart Francis puns / one-liners)

There’s a fine line between hyphenated words…

I quit my job at the helium gas factory – I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone.

I like what mechanics wear; overall.

In court I was found guilty of being egotistical… I am appealing.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy; I loved that wheelchair.

I’m not a competitive person… I’ll be the first to admit it

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’… you probably saw our posters.

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

Oh, there’s so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

My doctor thinks I’m taking hallucinogenic drugs. How do I know? Let’s just say, a little bird told me.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

I manufactured clown shoes… no small feat.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do. He spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment; probably turning in his grave.


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## Jeremy Spencer (Aug 10, 2020)

A T-Rex walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me.....but I never met herbivore". 

Sorry, one more...

Keeping tropical fish in your studio can have a calming effect on the brain....due to all the indoor fins...

Ok, ok, one more...

A man was shot over 200 times with an upholstery gun. The surgeon reports he is now fully recovered!


K...I'm done


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## Jdiggity1 (Aug 11, 2020)

Jimmy Hellfire said:


> Bombs away!


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## Jimmy Hellfire (Aug 11, 2020)

Why can't hippos and crocodiles get their life together? - They're living in the Nile.

What's the cleanliest animal in Africa? - The hygiena.

I do love 'em cheap.


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## Jdiggity1 (Aug 11, 2020)




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## teclark7 (Aug 12, 2020)

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.


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## Alex Fraser (Aug 12, 2020)

I used to date a woman who did the voice for the talking clock.
We split up and now she won't even give me the time of day.


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## sostenuto (Aug 12, 2020)

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the forest ?

(_ I kno .. not really a pun ....._ )


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## teclark7 (Aug 13, 2020)

Here's my own attempt at a suitably musical pun:

Did you hear that Sir Simon Rattle was struck by lightning at an open-air concert last week? Man, what a good conductor!


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## Zedcars (Aug 13, 2020)

I can never understand why art galleries have such uncomfortable seats. You’ve really got to pick chair.


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## Zedcars (Aug 13, 2020)

I saw Yo-Yo Ma on the beach the other day counting sea urchins and mollusks. He said he’s making a shell list.


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## Zedcars (Aug 20, 2020)

How do you work out how heavy a chilli pepper is? 🌶 

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.


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## Fredeke (Aug 20, 2020)

I know I should talk, but this is the best dad joke repository I've found so far. 
(no, this is not a pun, this is just me trolling)


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## Morning Coffee (Aug 20, 2020)

I still love this one after all these years!

The movie it came from was called "Flying High!" in my country, but most people would know it as "Airplane!"


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## Kony (Oct 29, 2020)

Jeremy Spencer said:


> How do you clean a tuba? With a tuba toothpaste, of course


What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a tuba player? A tattoo.


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## mikeh-375 (Oct 29, 2020)

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing - he's Gladiator!


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## Fredeke (Nov 6, 2020)

Why can't Trump come back to the White House ?
Because it's for Biden.


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## rgames (Nov 6, 2020)

I should sell my theremin. I haven't touched it in years.


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## GNP (Nov 6, 2020)

Lol, my posts deleted in an unfair, one way street. Is VI Control another Silicon Valley?


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## Zedcars (Nov 7, 2020)

I asked for a refund on a comb I bought last week. But the store assistant kept brushing me off.

I tell you, her attitude made me bristle!


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## GNP (Nov 7, 2020)

This guy kept telling me to drink pepsi, because coke is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad....

.....he eventually ran out of gas.


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## Zedcars (Nov 7, 2020)

Ali the alligator, Colin the cow and Rupert the rooster attended an art class together.

After a while, Colin looked at Ali and Rupert and said “well, what do you guys think of my drawing?”

Rupert replied:
“Croc-a-Doodle-Mooooo!”


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## GtrString (Nov 7, 2020)

What’s the difference between a glockenspiel and a xylophone? I used to know but I can’t marimba.

The conductor told the drums, xylophones, cymbals, bells and gongs to play their section twice. There will be re-percussions.


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## GNP (Nov 7, 2020)

Why do so many sailors never bother to use their sails or compasses?

Coz they were never interested in an honest wind.


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## Morning Coffee (Nov 13, 2020)

!


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## Kony (Nov 17, 2020)




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## cuttime (Nov 17, 2020)




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## tf-drone (Nov 17, 2020)

The telegrapher never said a word... but he did it.


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## cuttime (Nov 17, 2020)

tf-drone said:


> The telegrapher never said a word... but he did it.


Took me a minute!


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## Martin S (Jan 24, 2021)

Not necessarily puns, yet still funny observations from Scotsman Great, Billy Connolly of Glasgow:


"A lot of people say it's a lack of vocabulary that makes your swear. Rubbish! - I know thousands of words but I still prefer F***"

"Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on"

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter"

"I'm a big fan of The Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars Bar; you stick it up your arse and let a Rottweiler chase you home"

"Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartan clans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's"

"The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards"

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes....After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you got his shoes!"

"I don't know why I should learn Algebra.. I'm never likely to go there"

"Honestly, some folks will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop - all I asked was : 'How are you getting on?"

"People who ask, 'can I ask you a question?' - Well...didn't really give me a choice there, now did you Sunshine?"

"A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. 'Can you describe the Symptoms to me?' - 'Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

"Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?"

"When people say 'life is short'. What the F***? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does !! What can you do that's longer?"

"One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it's bollocks"

"Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you !"

"I get claustrophobic easily and I don't get why aeroplane toilets don't have windows. I mean, it's not as if anyone can f***ing see in...Unless of course, you're the most determined pervert in the world"

"A fart is just your arse applauding"

"When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?"

"When something is 'New and Improved', which is it? If it's new then there has never been anything before if. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it"

[Response to a heckler at one of his shows] "When they put teeth in your mouth, they spoiled a perfectly good bum"

"So have you heard about the oyster who went to a club and pulled a mussel?"

"Why do people say 'Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?' - Dead Right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?"

"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning....that can keep me awake for days"

"A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist"

"People who point at their wrist while asking for the time..I know where my watch is, Pal - where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?"

"I'm actually pale blue: It takes a week of sunbathing to turn white"

"When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'has the bus come yet?' If the bus came would I be standing here, knobhead?"

"You know what I want to see just once? : A suicide bomb instructor. 'Right lads, pay attention, I'm only going to show you this once'"

"My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: Don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

"I've got Parkinson's disease [True]. I wish he'd f***ing kept it !"

"I once travelled to Adelaide, Australia on Emu Airways. I was 5000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly..."


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## Kony (Jan 24, 2021)

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."


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## Kony (Jan 24, 2021)

I was at a restaurant with my wife.
Waiter said "Do you have reservations?" 
Me: "No, I'm confident that I would like to eat here".


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## BassClef (Jan 24, 2021)

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”


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## igbk (Jan 24, 2021)

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles


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## Kony (Jan 24, 2021)

Head Cleaner - worst band ever.


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## Kony (Jan 24, 2021)

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.


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## mikeh-375 (Jan 24, 2021)




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## Fredeke (Jan 25, 2021)

Kony said:


> Head Cleaner - worst band ever.


They took less is more a bit too far.

(Let me try another one: Is the silence that follows still Head Cleaner ? - No, not that good, sorry - let me get back to you)


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## Fredeke (Jan 25, 2021)

Kony said:


> I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.


That was pretty direct, but I wish you'd found an alternative.


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## Noeticus (Jan 25, 2021)

Two Peanuts were walking down the street, and one was asalted....... peanut.


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## Polkasound (Jan 25, 2021)

Fredeke said:


> That was pretty direct, but I wish you found an alternative.


It was the short version of the joke, which is pretty hot in the band circuit, although some find it revolting.

(Incidentally, that joke used to be one of the most popular videos on YouTube, but the play count reset to zero when a Google employee accidentally tripped into the mainframe and blew the views.)


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## Kony (Jan 25, 2021)

I had a fight with a man on some moving stairs today. 

We started arguing at the bottom, and things just escalated from there.


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## Kony (Jan 25, 2021)

After standing there for 10 minutes, I got bored & left.


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## Kony (Jan 25, 2021)

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.....


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## Kony (Jan 25, 2021)

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. 

But it was just a Fanta sea.


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## Fredeke (Jan 26, 2021)

Kony said:


> Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
> 
> But it was just a Fanta sea.


Come on, you're better than that


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## Kony (Jan 26, 2021)




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## Kony (Jan 26, 2021)

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.


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## PaulieDC (Jan 26, 2021)

So a hot dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "excuse me, do you serve food here?"

On a better (or worse) _note_:

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? -Homeless
How do you get a guitar player to turn down? -Put a chart in front of him
What's the definition of a minor 2nd? -Two student violinists playing in unison


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## Kony (Jun 17, 2022)




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## CatComposer (Jun 17, 2022)

What do criminals and bad composers have in common?

Bad motives. 🎶 😮🤣


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## elucid (Jun 18, 2022)




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## Double Helix (Jun 18, 2022)

Kony said:


> I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.





Fredeke said:


> That was pretty direct, but I wish you'd found an alternative.


Oh, I dunno--I got a charge out of it


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## AceAudioHQ (Jun 18, 2022)




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