Procrastination to a point of giving up music

[Greyscale]

Hello everybody,

so I got to a point today, where I really don't know anymore what to do, so I tought I could get some input
from you people

I know that most of us struggle with the same problem over time, some more some less.
Steven Pressfield in his book "The War of Art" calls it resistance, you can call it negative self talk I call it "the f*** devil" that little voice in our head that keeps talking to us as if we are a piece of shit not being able to accomplish anything.
I know that feeling very well for now nearly ten years, it was always a problem, but I feel right know I am on a point where I want to give up and say "OK you defeated me", but I know that would be wrong.

Music was always an important part of my life. I started with learning to play the drums in 2010 (later in life ) just for fun
and the first time I sat behind the Kit of my teacher, I knew I will never do anything else in my life than music. I didn't know what that life in music would look like but I knew that this is it.
So end of 2011 I went for two years to a school for audio engineering.
There I discoverd the love of writing music, not just the technical recording stuff. So I wanted the film music stuff (what else) and even
when that was not what the school really taught, they were very kind and let me do kind of my thing and I had great teachers everything seemed to be perfect.
In 2013 I got my degree and had already kind of a vague idea how to go about it and a few days before the school officially ended my mom died and from that day on my whole life was thrown upside down and it never really got back into "normal state" because one shitty thing after the other came and so I never had time and energy to really focus on my music so I kind of put it on hold.
I always did a bit here and there, aquired a ton of sample libraries etc took courses, read a lot of books. My technical skill of composition got better, but my actual skill was kind of left behind because I had no real goal, no "deadline" like in school etc.
So this was the time when the negative self talk started. I'm not good enough, it is not interesting enough etc. I think you know that game.
In those 10+ years I still learned a lot but not to a point were I think I should be musically speaking. It just gets harder and harder to sit down and write music because the resistance is getting stronger and stronger. Pressfield in his book says the stronger the resistance is that you feel, the closer you are towards the right thing. But to be honest right know I don't feel like this is true at all.

In my head I know exactly what I should do, but I just can't make myself do it, instead procrastination. Everything seems to be
better than sitting down and writing music. Even writing that post and asking for help is hard to do

So sorry for the longwinding text but I thought a bit of context would be good and I know that this is a topic thats kind of useless to talk about, because there is not really an answer, but I try it anyway
Do you have any suggestions? How do you deal with the problem? Has anyone really solved the problem? Was giving up on music ever a thing for you?
And for me it is not even about doing it professionally but even as a hobby, but even for a hobby I would like to be able to finish music.

Thanks for any help or suggestions
I hope my english is not too bad

Greeting Denise

Click to read more...

 

[HERVED]

Hello Denise,
It's difficult to give you an answer. Although your message is long, it is not long enough to allow us to discover the cause(s) of your current situation.
This is the foundation of psychoanalysis: when there is a situation of avoidance (sometimes of fear or even panic), there is always an initial cause. Sometimes objective and obvious, often unconscious.
I think it might be helpful for you to take some time and perspective to think about what might be causing what you call "resistance." Sometimes, simply knowing the causes of avoidance is enough to break the blockage, but sometimes it will be necessary to work on these causes to break the blockage.

 

[yydr_cc]

there are only two solutions - persist or stop. Both are fine, music is just one of the possible things one can do. And there is no need to continue doing something just because one has developed some expertise or have done it for a long time.
I practised taichi for many years - even taught it, often as the replacement teacher for others when they went on holidays. Now I dont do it and that is fine. I am doing other equally interesting things

 

[FluffyTailedRodent]

Hello everybody,

so I got to a point today, where I really don't know anymore what to do, so I tought I could get some input
from you people

I know that most of us struggle with the same problem over time, some more some less.
Steven Pressfield in his book "The War of Art" calls it resistance, you can call it negative self talk I call it "the f*** devil" that little voice in our head that keeps talking to us as if we are a piece of shit not being able to accomplish anything.
I know that feeling very well for now nearly ten years, it was always a problem, but I feel right know I am on a point where I want to give up and say "OK you defeated me", but I know that would be wrong.

Music was always an important part of my life. I started with learning to play the drums in 2010 (later in life ) just for fun
and the first time I sat behind the Kit of my teacher, I knew I will never do anything else in my life than music. I didn't know what that life in music would look like but I knew that this is it.
So end of 2011 I went for two years to a school for audio engineering.
There I discoverd the love of writing music, not just the technical recording stuff. So I wanted the film music stuff (what else) and even
when that was not what the school really taught, they were very kind and let me do kind of my thing and I had great teachers everything seemed to be perfect.
In 2013 I got my degree and had already kind of a vague idea how to go about it and a few days before the school officially ended my mom died and from that day on my whole life was thrown upside down and it never really got back into "normal state" because one shitty thing after the other came and so I never had time and energy to really focus on my music so I kind of put it on hold.
I always did a bit here and there, aquired a ton of sample libraries etc took courses, read a lot of books. My technical skill of composition got better, but my actual skill was kind of left behind because I had no real goal, no "deadline" like in school etc.
So this was the time when the negative self talk started. I'm not good enough, it is not interesting enough etc. I think you know that game.
In those 10+ years I still learned a lot but not to a point were I think I should be musically speaking. It just gets harder and harder to sit down and write music because the resistance is getting stronger and stronger. Pressfield in his book says the stronger the resistance is that you feel, the closer you are towards the right thing. But to be honest right know I don't feel like this is true at all.

In my head I know exactly what I should do, but I just can't make myself do it, instead procrastination. Everything seems to be
better than sitting down and writing music. Even writing that post and asking for help is hard to do

So sorry for the longwinding text but I thought a bit of context would be good and I know that this is a topic thats kind of useless to talk about, because there is not really an answer, but I try it anyway
Do you have any suggestions? How do you deal with the problem? Has anyone really solved the problem? Was giving up on music ever a thing for you?
And for me it is not even about doing it professionally but even as a hobby, but even for a hobby I would like to be able to finish music.

Thanks for any help or suggestions
I hope my english is not too bad

Greeting Denise

No one on a forum is going to be able to help you - this is a deeper problem. At best we can throw advice and feel good platitudes at you but it would be best if you had someone in your life who could help "pump you up" and push you a little bit.

Your procrastination could be from a number of issues - medical, like depression, to being overwhelmed because you're trying to finish too much and don't know how to break things down to accomplish them, to just laziness and not being able to push yourself to just "get it done" and anything in-between.

Whatever it is you're trying to finish, don't try to finish it all at once. You have to break it down to tiny chunks and go from there. It doesn't matter how small, just make something small and finish it. Tell yourself you'll work on two measures of your song. One measure, even. And be proud of yourself if you do that. One measure done, is one more than you had done yesterday. Each time you finish whatever task, no matter how small, you'll feel a little more positive.

You didn't get like this overnight - it took time, and it's not gonna fix itself overnight, either. It's gonna take time. So accept that and make baby steps. One thing for sure, you're not gonna get better just staying where you are. It's tough to break out of it - really, really tough but you have to acknowledge that you're gonna have to take even a tiny step. Like I said, work on one measure of a song. Huge storms start with a tiny raindrop.

I have a good friend who had a very bad mental breakdown and refused to leave her house for two years. But I never gave up on her. I hammered this girl with texts and calls every couple of days for two years straight. Not looking for her to respond - just letting her know I was there and I cared and that things can suck but you have the power to make them better. Maybe for every 50 texts, she'd actually respond and let me know she appreciated it. But most of the time she didn't.

Two weeks ago I finally got her to leave her house and come to mine to work on a song together (she's a vocalist). That's a huge victory. She admitted that I was right and that by staying in her house, she wasn't gonna get better. It took her two years but I got her to finally come out. She's not better but this is a great first step for her. If she can finally leave her house, you can inspire yourself to do one or two measures of a song.

Start small. One step at a time. Don't try to finish a whole song and jump start your career in a day - you'll just give up and procrastinate again. Look at a song you wanted to finish and work on a measure or two and call it a day. Tomorrow, do that again. Good luck!

Oh, and go watch this:

 

[Greyscale]

there are only two solutions - persist or stop. Both are fine, music is just one of the possible things one can do. And there is no need to continue doing something just because one has developed some expertise or have done it for a long time.
I practised taichi for many years - even taught it, often as the replacement teacher for others when they went on holidays. Now I dont do it and that is fine. I am doing other equally interesting things

Yeah I agree with you and believe me I tried it. The problem is, that after some weeks or even months I get this inner urge of I need to make music in some way or another. So this is not a solution because at somepoint I will return to music anyway.

 

[yydr_cc]

Yeah I agree with you and believe me I tried it. The problem is, that after some weeks or even months I get this inner urge of I need to make music in some way or another. So this is not a solution because at somepoint I will return to music anyway.

I understand that feeling there is an attitudinal approach as well - enjoy making music with no intention of producing a product for reproduction. Just play or compose in the moment as most people have done for pretty much forever - even heavily ritualised music for ceremony was produced afresh each time.

 

[Mathew]

Hi Denise,
I wish I could give you an better answer, but I can only deliver a few suggestions.

You wrote how playing the drums for the first time sparked your joy for music. Maybe try to recapture that feeling? Of course this is easier said than done, but have you considered learning an entirely new instrument? Or writing for a genre you never did before? Something completely new, something you have to learn from scratch. Without the burden of having to sound "professional".

Anyway I wish you best luck.

 

[Greyscale]

Hi Denise,
I wish I could give you an better answer, but I can only deliver a few suggestions.

You wrote how playing the drums for the first time sparked your joy for music. Maybe try to recapture that feeling? Of course this is easier said than done, but have you considered learning an entirely new instrument? Or writing for a genre you never did before? Something completely new, something you have to learn from scratch. Without the burden of having to sound "professional".

Anyway I wish you best luck.

Oh how I wish I could get back that feeling, best time of my life. But during that time music was more of a escapism because a lot of stuff in my family life was going wrong so right now on that front everything is fine, but now my musical life sucks...the irony

I thought about learning to play the clarinet during the whole covid lockdown but then just forgot about it, maybe I look into that again.

I know that there is no right answer to the problem, but sometimes it's is already helpful to get it out and get input from people who know that problem.
Thank you

 

[Greyscale]

@FluffyTailedRodent I do think that I at times put to much pressure on my self, because I can write music without a problem when I know it is only for practicing. E.g. I want to practice modulating into different keys no problem, practicing a specifing formal structure etc but the moment I sit down to write a piece of music that I care about I freeze. Every note I put down sounds wrong and so on.
It is so strange. But starting small is probably the best thing I can do right now. Short piece, small ensemble, etc and then really step by step because this is what I would probably tell someone who came to me with this problem.

And thank you for the Rocky clip, very cheesy but true

And you seem to be a good person if you sticked with your friend and texted her over such a long time. Glad she made a first step and I hope she gets better over time because this sounds like a horrible situation for her.

Thank you

 

[ofthesea]

I went through similar recently and lost all enjoyment, ending up procrastinating and just sitting there with a DAW on, some fancy library and randomly playing chords whilst surfing the net. It got frustrating and left me with a sense of wasting time.

How I fixed it was to uninstall everything - thousands of pounds of DAWs, libraries and soft synths collected over 20 odd years. I then took everything I'd ever written, zipped it and archived it. And then walked away for a few weeks.

And, suddenly, I got the urge to go back, but differently. I installed 1 DAW (Cubase), Kontakt, the first orchestral library I ever bought (Nucleus Lite), a piano library (SimpleSAM Signature Grand) and a single plugin (Seventh Heaven). Then, I enrolled in some Thinkspace courses and went through them. A month afterwards, that's still all I have installed. And, I'm enjoying music again for it's simplicity and for no-one's benefit but my own. It feels absolutely liberating.

YMMV, but sometimes going back to basics and realising that this is all meant to be fun and not just about collecting more and more things (which is fine; a hobby in itself) is important.

 

[MartinH.]

I do think that I at times put to much pressure on my self, because I can write music without a problem when I know it is only for practicing. E.g. I want to practice modulating into different keys no problem, practicing a specifing formal structure etc but the moment I sit down to write a piece of music that I care about I freeze. Every note I put down sounds wrong and so on.

What makes a piece of music you care about different from just practicing?

 

[Greyscale]

I went through similar recently and lost all enjoyment, ending up procrastinating and just sitting there with a DAW on, some fancy library and randomly playing chords whilst surfing the net. It got frustrating and left me with a sense of wasting time.

How I fixed it was to uninstall everything - thousands of pounds of DAWs, libraries and soft synths collected over 20 odd years. I then took everything I'd ever written, zipped it and archived it. And then walked away for a few weeks.

And, suddenly, I got the urge to go back, but differently. I installed 1 DAW (Cubase), Kontakt, the first orchestral library I ever bought (Nucleus Lite), a piano library (SimpleSAM Signature Grand) and a single plugin (Seventh Heaven). Then, I enrolled in some Thinkspace courses and went through them. A month afterwards, that's still all I have installed. And, I'm enjoying music again for it's simplicity and for no-one's benefit but my own. It feels absolutely liberating.

YMMV, but sometimes going back to basics and realising that this is all meant to be fun and not just about collecting more and more things (which is fine; a hobby in itself) is important.

So true, thats why I changed my workflow back to the real bare-bones of Pen and Paper (and a Piano) because there is no distraction and I don't fall into the trap of playing my idea over and over again. It needs some work and effort because I am so not used to work like that but it is fun, but at some point I have to go digital because I could not write orchestrally only on paper. I will pobably never have that skill

Thank you

 

[Greyscale]

What makes a piece of music you care about different from just practicing?

Thats a good question and in all honesty I can't answer that. Maybe because I know that within an exercise I can fail, it doesn't need to be a good/enjoyable piece of music, it just has to work. I don't know, but it is a really good question.

 

[Aldunate]

Take a sabbatical. Then maybe you'll find that you need to make some music,

 

[Paul@Sydney]

Music is one of those difficult areas I've found.... at first, you know not enough to know your own incompetence. And then you get enough knowledge to realise your music is terrible (very discouraging time!). Then the path back to having knowlledge and thinking your music is "good enough" is a rollercoaster journey.

I did read a good essay on this a while back, and it basically said that everyone goes through this, and the final push back to believing in your own musical output is the hardest of all - you have obtained the knowledge, and the skills and proficiency lag behind, and you neever feel happy with anything. And then, suddenly, it comes together apparently.

I think (hope) I'm at that stage, where I know what I need to do, but it still seems like such a steep climb ahead, it's very disheartening and offputting. But.. I'm convinced, just by simply putting one foot in front of another in consistently the same sort of direction, I'll get there.

There's so many disciplines to master - compositon, production, mixing, mastering, and all the VI programming part of produiction on top when it comes to doing it all in the box on your own. It's bewildering. This is stuff that 30 years ago it took teams of people to make songs happen. Still does in the pro world.

Up to you if you think its worth the effort, or give up and go do something else. Or seek professionall help if you think it's a deeper malaise beyond just your own musical journey.

 

[Crowe]

It's like looking into a mirror. This was really hard for me to write.

I'm not going to waste too much words repeating things that you've already said, I'll just explain where I'm at now myself and see if that helps you any.

For me, the problem is twofold. I've identified music as that one thing that's supposed to be the absolute most important thing to me. It's kept me alive at my deepest points and regardless of how much I may despise myself, at least I knew I was worth something while I was playing and entertaining people. I wanted to do this with my life. But something happened and my continued failures and general lack of survival instinct came together in a perfect storm of "that's the end of that".

And somehow, I went through and came out at the other side a nervous wreck that couldn't write a single note because it could never be good enough, and whatever I wanted to learn would be like a mountain I couldn't even begin to fathom climbing.

The pressure I subconsciously put on myself kills any momentum. It's not procrastination so much as not being able to see the path. And I'm wired to freeze up at that point.

I'm still at the foot of that mountain. But I'm not looking at it anymore.

I've given up. This is never going to amount to anything. It's done.

I'd like to say this helped, but it didn't. Attempting to compose is still hateful. Attempts at structural practise still don't get me any kind of wanted results. What it did do, was free up real estate in my head. I don't have to force myself to practise Piano or guitar. I don't have to force myself into suicidal frustration over figuring out how to mock up this woodwind line that should be really simple but why the fuckidyfuck can't I figure it out and aaaargh.

The underlying issue isn't going to go away. For me, it's clinical depression. A chemical imbalance. Some trauma, PTSD. Fuck me I guess. Nothing is ever going to be good enough because I am never going to be good enough. No amount of therapy seems to help. The zoloft does, up to a point. Anyway. I'm not chasing music as a profession anymore. That ship has sailed.

Got a Maschine+ though. Away from the computer. I can't say I really make 'music' on it.

But I'm having fun now.

Sometimes, it's your perspective that's wrong and has to go.

Please. Find something that's fun for you.

And fuck everything else.

 

[Henrik B. Jensen]

I gave up making music maybe 15 years ago out of frustration.

It kept popping up in my mind though.

Then maybe 5 years ago I bought Cubase and orchestral libraries once again.

And here I am, just as frustrated as 15 years ago, making just as shitty mockups (when I manage to make that, which is rare).

Just this morning and early afternoon I tried my best at making John Williams’ Rey’s Theme.

The result is so amateur-like, I could throw my f…… pc out the window.

 

[Paul@Sydney]

I gave up making music maybe 15 years ago out of frustration.

It kept popping up in my mind though.

Then maybe 5 years ago I bought Cubase and orchestral libraries once again.

And here I am, just as frustrated as 15 years ago, making just as shitty mockups (when I manage to make that, which is rare).

Just this morning and early afternoon I tried my best at making John Williams’ Rey’s Theme.

The result is so amateur-like, I could throw my f…… pc out the window.

Firstly, Reys theme is deceptively hard to mockup. That's not a style that samples excel at... highly exposed soloists is just flagellating yourself.

Sceondly, which aspect do you think sucks the most? Post a little example of whats frustrating you and I'm sure many will help, that's the whole beauty of this forum.

 

[Greyscale]

I gave up making music maybe 15 years ago out of frustration.

It kept popping up in my mind though.

Then maybe 5 years ago I bought Cubase and orchestral libraries once again.

And here I am, just as frustrated as 15 years ago, making just as shitty mockups (when I manage to make that, which is rare).

Just this morning and early afternoon I tried my best at making John Williams’ Rey’s Theme.

The result is so amateur-like, I could throw my f…… pc out the window.

My production/mock-up skill is level zero so I feel you. Would be interested in an example of that mock-up as well, maybe others like it or can at least help you improve it.

 

[Greyscale]

@Crowe First of all I wanna give you a virtual hug, because when I read your post I teard up.

For me, the problem is twofold. I've identified music as that one thing that's supposed to be the absolute most important thing to me. It's kept me alive at my deepest points and regardless of how much I may despise myself, at least I knew I was worth something while I was playing and entertaining people. I wanted to do this with my life. But something happened and my continued failures and general lack of survival instinct came together in a perfect storm of "that's the end of that".

I see myself in that 100% but maybe that is also a part of the problem. I love music so much, that I attach myself to much to my music because the feeling I have while listening to a piece or song, I want to have other people to also have with my music. Not out of ego shit, but I know how music helped me through the toughest times, so maybe I just want to help others the same way and so I put a shit ton of pressure onto myself to make the best music possible. Thats why exercises stil work for me because I know that those things never see the light of day, so there is no pressure. I don‘t know if that makes sense

anyway I hope there is someone who can help you and that you maybe have a comeback with music and can bring joy to people through it.