Please Place Your Favorite Puns Here!

[Jdiggity1]

 

[teclark7]

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

 

[Alex Fraser]

I used to date a woman who did the voice for the talking clock.
We split up and now she won't even give me the time of day.

 

[sostenuto]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the forest ?

( I kno .. not really a pun ..... )

 

[teclark7]

Here's my own attempt at a suitably musical pun:

Did you hear that Sir Simon Rattle was struck by lightning at an open-air concert last week? Man, what a good conductor!

 

[Zedcars]

I can never understand why art galleries have such uncomfortable seats. You’ve really got to pick chair.

 

[Zedcars]

I saw Yo-Yo Ma on the beach the other day counting sea urchins and mollusks. He said he’s making a shell list.

 

[Zedcars]

How do you work out how heavy a chilli pepper is? 🌶

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

 

[Fredeke]

I know I should talk, but this is the best dad joke repository I've found so far.
(no, this is not a pun, this is just me trolling)

 

[Morning Coffee]

I still love this one after all these years!

The movie it came from was called "Flying High!" in my country, but most people would know it as "Airplane!"

 

[Kony]

How do you clean a tuba? With a tuba toothpaste, of course

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a tuba player? A tattoo.

 

[mikeh-375]

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing - he's Gladiator!

 

[Fredeke]

Why can't Trump come back to the White House ?
Because it's for Biden.

 

[rgames]

I should sell my theremin. I haven't touched it in years.

 

[GNP]

Lol, my posts deleted in an unfair, one way street. Is VI Control another Silicon Valley?

 

[Zedcars]

I asked for a refund on a comb I bought last week. But the store assistant kept brushing me off.

I tell you, her attitude made me bristle!

 

[GNP]

This guy kept telling me to drink pepsi, because coke is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad....

.....he eventually ran out of gas.

 

[Zedcars]

Ali the alligator, Colin the cow and Rupert the rooster attended an art class together.

After a while, Colin looked at Ali and Rupert and said “well, what do you guys think of my drawing?”

Rupert replied:
“Croc-a-Doodle-Mooooo!”

 

[GtrString]

What’s the difference between a glockenspiel and a xylophone? I used to know but I can’t marimba.

The conductor told the drums, xylophones, cymbals, bells and gongs to play their section twice. There will be re-percussions.

 

[GNP]

Why do so many sailors never bother to use their sails or compasses?

Coz they were never interested in an honest wind.