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"...hereby ordered...." [fill in your own]

Land of Missing Parts

I hereby order that no one shall describe music as esoteric when what they really mean is atmospheric.

...Unless they are referring to the secret society cult chants in Bruce Broughton's score to Young Sherlock Holmes.

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Pursuant to my ongoing peave, I hereby order all upcoming C-minor to Ab Major modulations to be subject to a nuisance tax.

I know there will be a lot of dark money fighting me on this from those powerful interests who stand to gain a lot from bland modulations. They will claim it is a regressive tax that unduly harms poor composers, which is most of us.


Senior Member
I hereby order that indie girl vocals be banished from the planet. From this day forward, all lyrics will be sung with proper pronunciation.

I hereby order that dialogue in movies is spoken clearly and mixed intelligibly.

I hereby order that drummers who show up late for their gigs be docked 50% pay.

I hereby order that class and dignity be restored to late-night talk shows.

I hereby order KFC to double the size of their chicken pieces.

I hereby order that any polka fan who drives a $40,000 Cadillac and still bitches about paying a $5 cover charge be banished from the polka community and sentenced to live in a nursing home in Fort Meyers, FL.


Senior Member
Whoah. Sounds like this one got a little personal. Ha. ;)
Heheheh! Decades ago, live polka music was always free because polka venues were regularly mobbed. As the crowds dwindled in the '80s and '90s and older people started switching from alcohol to water, venues had to start charging a $5 cover. Polka musicians frequently watched in astonishment as some of these people would blow their tops over having to shell out their "life savings" at the door. Then they'd storm out of the bar, get into their brand new Cadillac Sevilles, Mercury Grand Marquis, and Lincoln Town Cars, and drive off in a huff.

Today, the cover charge is the norm, and there is a modest but dedicated base of people who don't mind paying it (and even donating more) week after week. But there is still an even larger base of people who will only come out of the woodwork a few times a year to festivals and other special events where they can get their music for free.

OK, back on topic...

I hereby order all diet soda to come with a warning label that says, "Yeah, it's diet, but this sh*t will still make you fat."

I hereby terminate the concept of Daylight Savings Time. Let's just keep our clocks an hour back and leave them that way all year long.

Michael Antrum

Only the good die young....
I hereby order that it shall be a capital offence for an ostinato pattern to persist longer than 12 bars without a significant harmonic modulation.....


Senior Member
I hereby order that the US invade Denmark, conquer Greenland, then conscript Greenlanders to build The Wall. And make them pay for it, too.

I further hereby order that it will be a capital crime to say "literally" when one means "figuratively". This misusage literally drives me up the wall. Or it at least it will once it gets built.


Senior Member
I hereby decree that the entire english speaking world relearn the usage of apostrophes. ‘s is for possessive, plural gets no apostrophe. Please, this is a sign of the apocalypse.

Also, at this point can we safely order everyone who voted for Donald Trump to publically apologize? Seems like the perfectly reasonable, civic minded thing to do.
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