Studio E
Eric Watkins
Please, read at your own risk. I'm just writing this as therapy because honestly, I'm not on social media anymore, where I might have posted this and it's just a little too painful to not get off my chest.
It's a typical Sunday here for me in the midwest, doing home chores after some morning time in the studio.
Around noon today (it's 6:30 now), I was getting out the mower, the weed-eater, etc.... cleaning up my yard. I did the front yard, got it looking nice. It's small so it's easy to do and doesn't take but 15 minutes. Then I headed to the back yard. I walked the whole yard methodically first to clean up after my dogs before mowing and that took a while.
Finally, I start my mower in the back. I'm mowing for just like 4 minutes I'd guess, and nearly my worst nightmare happens, and it all happens so fast. This is your last warning to leave this thread.
I'm just pushing my push mower and all of a sudden I see something come from under the mower as I'm pushing it forward. It's a baby bunny :( . I instantly stop the mower and then realize it's flip flopping right in front of me with probably 1/3 of it's hide missing as well as a back leg or more. It's just horrific. I love animals more than humans. I save insects by throwing them outside instead of killing them inside my house, and I just basically mutilated this baby bunny. It was probably like 6 or 7 inches long. It's all a blur because it just won't stop flailing. It's obviously a goner but god only knows how long it will suffer like this, so I do the most painful thing that I didn't even know I could ever do, and I ended it's life right then and there with my boot. As I am doing that, three more little bunnies come running out of the nest I had apparently just run over. As far as I know, they were all fine, and they all seemed to just scatter. I didn't keep track because I was totally preoccupied with the horror of this poor, unfortunate beautiful little furry life that I needed to put out of it's misery immediately. Ugh.....I am so sad and have been all day. I came inside, told my wife what had just happened and I cried. I'm 50 years old and I didn't even know if I was capable of crying any more, and I freaking lost my shit. That poor little cuter than cute furry creature had to die under my boot because of what I did and I just feel horrible about the whole thing.
When I went back outside after a few minutes to clean-up the mess I had made and check for the other bunnies, they were all gone. I scooped up the poor little thing and disposed of him. There were a few parts of him scattered from what the mower did and I got them all out of the yard.
As a 50-year-old veteran and construction worker, I was brought down instantly and totally broken over this. There is no amount of "tough guy" fortitude that could make me feel ok about this at all.
I do realize that it was just a horrible accident and thinking it over and over, I do realize that there wasn't anything I could have done but let the poor thing suffer, and trust me, it was totally, out of control suffering. As an atheist it's one of the only times I will pray to the ether to say over and over how sorry I am. I just can't express it enough right now. I feel horrible and also as an atheist, I hold that ONE little precious life that that creature had as sacred as any other. It's just really tough. There is no reconsiliation available for this. It happened. I feel horrible, and it's as final as anything in this life.
Sorry. I'm just a bit heart broken right now and probably trying to unburden my guilt through writing it. I put the any of the nest bedding I could find back in the nest and I'm hoping that the three that scattered will reunite with their mom tonight after sundown but I have no idea if they will. I can't imagine how traumatic all that was to them. :(
It's a typical Sunday here for me in the midwest, doing home chores after some morning time in the studio.
Around noon today (it's 6:30 now), I was getting out the mower, the weed-eater, etc.... cleaning up my yard. I did the front yard, got it looking nice. It's small so it's easy to do and doesn't take but 15 minutes. Then I headed to the back yard. I walked the whole yard methodically first to clean up after my dogs before mowing and that took a while.
Finally, I start my mower in the back. I'm mowing for just like 4 minutes I'd guess, and nearly my worst nightmare happens, and it all happens so fast. This is your last warning to leave this thread.
I'm just pushing my push mower and all of a sudden I see something come from under the mower as I'm pushing it forward. It's a baby bunny :( . I instantly stop the mower and then realize it's flip flopping right in front of me with probably 1/3 of it's hide missing as well as a back leg or more. It's just horrific. I love animals more than humans. I save insects by throwing them outside instead of killing them inside my house, and I just basically mutilated this baby bunny. It was probably like 6 or 7 inches long. It's all a blur because it just won't stop flailing. It's obviously a goner but god only knows how long it will suffer like this, so I do the most painful thing that I didn't even know I could ever do, and I ended it's life right then and there with my boot. As I am doing that, three more little bunnies come running out of the nest I had apparently just run over. As far as I know, they were all fine, and they all seemed to just scatter. I didn't keep track because I was totally preoccupied with the horror of this poor, unfortunate beautiful little furry life that I needed to put out of it's misery immediately. Ugh.....I am so sad and have been all day. I came inside, told my wife what had just happened and I cried. I'm 50 years old and I didn't even know if I was capable of crying any more, and I freaking lost my shit. That poor little cuter than cute furry creature had to die under my boot because of what I did and I just feel horrible about the whole thing.
When I went back outside after a few minutes to clean-up the mess I had made and check for the other bunnies, they were all gone. I scooped up the poor little thing and disposed of him. There were a few parts of him scattered from what the mower did and I got them all out of the yard.
As a 50-year-old veteran and construction worker, I was brought down instantly and totally broken over this. There is no amount of "tough guy" fortitude that could make me feel ok about this at all.
I do realize that it was just a horrible accident and thinking it over and over, I do realize that there wasn't anything I could have done but let the poor thing suffer, and trust me, it was totally, out of control suffering. As an atheist it's one of the only times I will pray to the ether to say over and over how sorry I am. I just can't express it enough right now. I feel horrible and also as an atheist, I hold that ONE little precious life that that creature had as sacred as any other. It's just really tough. There is no reconsiliation available for this. It happened. I feel horrible, and it's as final as anything in this life.
Sorry. I'm just a bit heart broken right now and probably trying to unburden my guilt through writing it. I put the any of the nest bedding I could find back in the nest and I'm hoping that the three that scattered will reunite with their mom tonight after sundown but I have no idea if they will. I can't imagine how traumatic all that was to them. :(